so for my next short i wanna do the first part of the movie i shown after the secend part so chronicloically a guy breaks into a house in attempt to kill someone..he breaks through the window then nocks a lamp over while going to the kitchen to take a nife. then right before he gets to the bedroom the alarm gets set off. so he dops the knife runs upstairs and gets in a bed. the alarm turns off so he goes down stairs grabs another knife and goes into the room but the target woke up and left so he runs outside but shes gone.......
now the way i wanna show it in the movie is he starts in the bed with the alarm going of the clock reads 12:01 he goes down stairs and sees a a lamp nocked over a window broken and a knife missing...it kuts to flashbacks of a figure breaking in knocking over lamp and takeing a nife as if his houe was broke into. he then grabs a knife and runs to the bedroom and notices the girl is gone as if she was kidnapped.....he runs outside and then breaks in nocks the lamp u know bleh bleh.......then the alarm goes off and he runs into the bead and lays down the clock reads 12:01...............THE END?
will it make sense and if it does is it worth doing......im a highschool filmmaker wanting to do a cheap 1 location project that doesent need alot of actors
I didn't quite follow all that really well, but from what I picked up from it, I'm pretty sure it'll make sense once you have a more detailed screenplay written up. Showing the audience the second part of the story, followed by the first, works very well at grabbing their attention. Just make sure not to show the final outcome somewhere in the middle of the movie.
You could also try even starting with the middle of the story (but with some of the sequences broken up and with a blurred out, slightly off-color appearance), then showing the beginning, and then either showing the middle again (this time without the flashback appearance) or skipping straight to the end of the story.
In other words, maybe either 2-1-3 or 2-1-2-3. Sorry if that's all confusing or just too much, I just had a lot of ideas come up all at once.
yea thats kinda the hole thing the first part he seems like the victim and then he changes to the burglar. how do i link it fluently. when he goes outside its the end of the story and then he has to come back in to play the beggining and show that infact he is the killer. should i go to black for a few seconds to help the figure it out or should i just cut it together and let it happen?
It doesn't work for me because I don't think a burglar would hide in a bed. That seems like a trick to fool the viewer and force a twist. You hear an alarm and you don't just go into a bedroom, a bedroom that might have a screaming kid or dog or pa with his shotgun inside.
Here is what I would do. I call it LUCK.
I would have the guy wake up on the bed, see the clock, the door is open, he can see downstairs and see the broken lamp. People are waking up. Then flashsback of him sneaking in the window of that same bedroom dressed in black military/ninja garb with ski mask, reading the paperwork on the guy he is supposed to kill "some working class schlub, should be an easy paycheck taking out this guy.". Assassin trips on a kid's toy on the floor and then whacks his head on the end table, removes the skimask and rubs his head a moment before he passes out on the bed. The toy truck he tripped on sails through the door and down the stairs where it smashed the lamp and makes a ton of noise (instead of an alarm). Now he hears shouting downstairs. "If Judy has another boy sneaking into this house I'll shoot him!" Our assassing tries to clean up evidence quickly as we hear the dad get closer and closer. Assassin waits by the door with his weapon ready, he's sweating and blerding and dizzy. The shotgun slide is pulled back dramatically.
Dad finally kicks open a door. Assassin dives out the window he came in from. Dad kicked open the wrong door. We hear screaming as the daughter and her boyfriend are caught making out as the assassin lands roughly on the lawn. He looks up and sees the boyfriend jumping out of the house as well. Boyfriend lands on him and scrambles away pulling up his pants. Assassin decides to retire.
RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA
RJSchwarz
i like that thanks really good idea. hmm so what else could he do besides the bed thing that wolud be a situation the target and the killer could be in. or something they could both do while playing out there role besides laying in the bed. because ur right that doesent make sense.
I like what rjschwarz was saying, I just don't get the part about jumping out of windows. Picturing that in my head just seemed to take away from any suspense that could otherwise be built up, since it seems like almost no matter how you would shoot it, it would deviate from the short's original concept. It just seems cheesy to me.
I like your original idea the best, I'd just change the part about the burglar or whatever getting into the bed, since that really doesn't make sense as a place for him to hide.
Just brainstorm some different ideas for this, and then actually draw or write them up and see which events and order of events makes the most sense.
Well if he clonked himself on the head he might pass out on the bed.
Another angle, he ditches into the bathroom to avoid being seen. Smacks into someone smoking pot secretly in the bathroom (using a towel to hide the light under the door), and knocks the stoned person into the tub where they lay unconscious and smiling. Our killer then stumbles and sits on the toilet to get his bearings and wait out the alarm.
You start the flick with him on the toilet looking around, coughing at the smoke. A leg sticking out of the bathtub, a joint on the counter nearby. Doesn't look like a crime scene or that he's a killer. Then the flashbacks might really get people wondering as we realize he's not a harmless pothead but a psycho killer.
RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA
RJSchwarz
back to my previous idea you could always end it with the killer slipping out the window, you don't need him to jump. Although I like the toilet one better. I'd mix the two up, but then again I'm big on comedy.
Say hero starts on toilet. Passed out guy in the tub, bong nearby. He hears a woman yelling how she's gonna kill 'em if she finds he's been smoking the pot again. Of course it looks like our hero is a pothead. He races out of the house when he hears her loading a gun.
Flashbacks show our hero breaking in, getting a knife. "Gut you with your own knife, you bastard. Try to rip me off." He slips on something, making noise. He ducks into bathroom, smacks into stoner knocking the guy into the tub which makes more noise. Mother wakes up screaming. "I told you I'd blow your balls off if you smoked pot in the house again!" We here gun sounds. Hero smells bong, "this isn't my shit. This is skunk weed."
All you really need prop wise is a joint or bong. The gun could be simply sound effects. You could fill things out a bit on why. Killer intends to kill the stoner because he doen't believe the guys claim that his mother flushed a bunch of dope or something, he thinks he's been ripped off. He believes it after he hears her though.
RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA
RJSchwarz
Hey RJ, do you think you could write me a short too :)?
"We all have the potential to be great. It is our inability to do so that makes us miserable." C.S.Lewis
"We all have the potential to be great. It is our inability to do so that makes us miserable." C.S.Lewis
I've no time to actually write out a short but if you've got an idea I'll gladly add my ideas and thoughts to it.
RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA
RJSchwarz
