ASK TO YOURSELF:
HOW WOULD A 12 YEAR OLD ACT, MOVE, TALK? HOW'S THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS PARENTS? HOW WOULD THE PARENTS REACT IF THEY COUCHT HIM SMOKING? HAS HE SMOKED BEFORE?

YOU HAVE TO CREATE A BELIEVABLE WORLD. GIVE EACH CHARECTER A PERSONALITY, A BACKGROUND. HOW WAS THE DAD'S CHILDHOOD(POSITIVE & NEGATIVE) AND HOW DOES IT AFFECT HIS PRESENT? HOW DOES THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS DAD AFFECTS THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SON?

I RECOMMEND YOU THE BOOK "ADVANCE SCREENWRITTING."

THIS IS THE BEST BOOK ABOUT SCREENWRITTING I KNOW. IT'S A MUST HAVE!

GOOD LUCK MAN!

thanks for the advice the script is designed to be a short film 10-12 min

aright its like indy-pendant said, its not very believable. Does it have to be an italian restaurant. Michael Rosalini is a bad italian name (assuming Christian's family is italian.) How does Christian know who killed his father? How does Christian know where to find the Boss. How does christian know how to shoot a gun. Maybe christian can get the gun from the fathers draw while at the same time evading Social Services who are trying to put him in a group home (they dont call them orphanages anymore.) Also how would a 12 year old react to a near-death experience in which his family, and probably some bystanders, are ripped to shreds in a drive-by. Most 12 year olds would cry and curl up in a ball. Maybe christian, in a blind rage, runs out of there and runs till he cant feel his legs anymore. You really have to evoke the feeling of what it would be like to see your parents killed. Tunnel vision, temporary loss of hearing, hyperventilation, stuff like that. If you could make the audience feel like they cant breathe or that they cant hear the people around christian asking him if hes ok. Put your hands over your ears what do you hear. You should hear echoing and you can kinda hear your heartbeat. Thats what the audience should hear while at the same time using a shaky-first person perspective with the camera. The tattoo artist isnt very believable because tattoo artists dont talk about bambi and a tattoo shop is a scary place for a 12 year old. A 12 year old would try to hang out in mcdonalds or at a store he is familiar with maybe his barber shop. i was gonna say he'd hide out in a toy store but its very cliche.

I like the story that youre trying to tell but it needs more. Even if it is just a 12 minute story its gotta have more detail. Im looking forward to your reply to this post. Good luck

thanks ill get to work on it

here is a revised edition based on your comments

INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. DAY.

Shot in black and white until last scene.

A young police officer in uniform, Michael Rosalini, his wife Maria, and their 12-year old son Christian are eating a meal. Gentle music is playing in the background.

MICHAEL

No more smoking, Christian.

CHRISTIAN

(surprised)

What?

MICHAEL

Don't give me ?what'. Sister

Francis called me today.

MARIA

She told us how she caught you

and Tony.

CHRISTIAN

I'm sorry.

MARIA

You're too young to smoke.

MICHAEL

it will give you cancer.

CHRISTIAN

I know. But Tony said-

MICHAEL

Forget what Tony said. He's an idiot.
Do you want to be an idiot?

CHRISTIAN

No.

MICHAEL

Then don't follow people. Use your head.
Be your own man.

CHRISTIAN

(nodding)

I will.

MARIA

(picking up wine glass to toast Michael)

Congratulations on your arrest Michael.

(kissing him)

I'm proud of you.

Conversation cut off by sound of loud roar of a car outside.

Michael looks out window.

MICHAEL

(recognizing car, pulling Maria and Christian down to floor)

Get Down!

Machine gun chatter. Shattering windows. People scream, run, duck. Tables, chairs,

walls, dishes shot up.
GANSTER1
That what you get for locking up Vinnie

Sudden silence. Chaos over. A soft sob sounds. And then a cry. People begin to pick themselves up off the floor.

Christian sits up. He looks around for his mother and father, sees their
bloody bodies, shakes them, silently crying, trying to rouse them.

Restaurant owner comes and pulls him to his feet.

RESTAURANT OWNER

(looking around)

Who?

Christian, still stunned, still stares at bodies of parents, starts to back out, then turns and

runs.
INT. CHRISTIAN'S HOME. PARENTS' BEDROOM. TWENTY MINUTES LATER.

Christian rummages through parents drawers, pulling out cash and stuffing it into his

pockets, under the money he notices a pistol. He pauses thinks to himself
CHRISTIAN
(grabbing the pistol)
it must be done

EXT. CITY STREET. NIGHT.

Christian wanders the streets in a panicked frenzy

Moments later his cell phone rings in a paranoid state he throws it at the ground and runs away

EXT. CITY STREET. CONTINUING.

Christian continues to walk along the streets.
moments later he collapse on a park bench

EXT. CITY STREET. NEXT DAY.

Christian eyes blood shot continues to walk along the street. A friend, his age, Tony, runs up to him.

TONY

Christian!

CHRISTIAN
(walking away)
Go away.

TONY
but.. what..

Christian turns throwing Tony to the ground Screaming ? I told you to GO AWAY?

INT. DIFFERENT ITALIAN RESTAURANT. DAY.

The Mancini Family is eating at table, laughing, pouring wine, talking.

EXT. OUTSIDE ITALIAN RESTAURANT. CONTINUING.

Christian looks through the window, sees the Mancini Family, and walks on.

INT. RESTAURANT
Christian enters, mobster carry on conversation
Christian approaches

GANGSTER 1
Boss look like you got a friend
(referring to Christian)

MOB BOSS
How you do in

Christian hesitates a moment then pulls out the gun and fires
The mob boss is hit right below the heart and grabs his wound
the entire room grows quiet

music begins
scene changes to color as Christian runs out

Credits