It's good but none of the motivations come out for Sylvester or Kate or why either girl would want to be with a poor homicidal musician who doesn't care which one he ends up with. It would be nice to know how Zach fits in, perhaps his part fills in the missing hole.

Other comments. Nice formatting, proper formatting makes it easier to read. Although you overuse Cut To which is old style. Also its a bit confusing when you fade to a flashback and then return to current day. You should specifically say End Flashback or something like that. When someone is talking on the phone I think OS (offscreen) is more appropriate than VO but I could be wrong. How did Kate know Jane would bring him out to this spot? Did she just follow? Kate and Jane are too similar names. Pick a longer name for one of the girls. Also try to pick names that are less generic. If Kate is named Sunflower (or Love, or something like that) you've got weakness built into the name along with believable loose morals so Jane might jump to conclusions. You've also got more of a surprise when Sunflower arrives to deal death. If Jane is named Paula, or Roberta or something you add a masculine vibe that might make her seem more dangerous.

What was the bit with knowing about the blood at the end, somehow I missed something on that.

The weakest part storywise (beyond motivation) is the phone call. Cut it out. Start with him on the phone talking to her. He's waiting for her, where is she? Have him run over (he's pretty sure its either Kate or Jane but not sure which). Jane gets right out of her car. Is it the same car? He doesn't know. She promises to take him to the hospital, acts concerned, gets him into the back of her car (ontop of a plastic sheet). But takes him out to his grave.

Oh, I'd end it with a twist. Sylvester finds a grave with Zach's body in it. That's the last thing Sylvester sees before the two woman shoot him in the back.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

I don't get why someone crazy and convinced enough to kill someone cheating on them would just break down in tears and say sorry when he claims he was just giving the other girl guitar lessons to get her a present.

The two girls trying to kill each other over some guy didn't really work for me but I'm wondering if I am missing something. Twist could be that it isn't really about a love affair but some initiation for a group of assasins or spies or something... I know I'm reaching here but work with me...

Also like RJ I didn't get the blood reference at the end.

Up until the gun pulling bit though I really liked it, Could visulise it well and was interested, I wanted to know what was going to happen next.

I exercise my right to fail.

I like it. I would change the ending. However, I am confused at two points. 1) so this whole thing was a ploy to get the two girls to fight for the man? If so, how does jane know that at the end. As far as she knows sylvester (good name by the way) just sent kate to kill her. So why wouldnt she just shoot him in the back for trying to kill him. 2)Maybe im just an idiot, but didn't he get hit by a car in the beginning? Did he just survive it? Was it a random hit and run or was it Jane? but besides those to things i thought it was intriguing. I liked the idea by nikisun, that the two girls should shoot him. Maybe He hears kate say "It's done." he says "good" and turns around and both the girls are standing there and they shoot him. I would just change the ending. but for the mosty part its pretty good.

and i think when he says "blood?" he is suppose to be saying "Oh, the whole 'me not liking blood' thing? Only you know thats not true" I think thats what he was trying to say. Maybe im wrong but thats what i got from it.

"Anyone who has ever been privileged to direct a film also knows that, although it can be like trying to write 'War and Peace' in a bumper car in an amusement park, when you finally get it right, there are not many joys in life that can equal the feeling." - Stanley Kubrick

OK, thanks for the feedback, I posted a rewrite.

The ending was weak because i was getting frustrated with the script so I rushed the end. But well a lot of it didn't fit now because I had been writing so sporadically, putting new things in and cutting things out on my whims when other parts of the script made no sense with new edits, so with the first version I posted I had cut out just one scene which was the most misfit but left Zach in the script (he appears in that scene) hoping it could be taken as an unimportant fact.

My other problem was that I did not have a fixed plot. I liked your ideas. He could have been shot by the two girls, I wasn't sure how i was going to explain that, nor who Zach was and what he had to do with it. A possibility I came up with was to combine nikisuns idea with that one so that the one of the girls was doing an initiation task for an assassin society and the other was the task supervisor, but in the end I felt this was taking the story in a much different direction than i had envisioned and puled back a bit. But I will keep that idea in mind, maybe even for a feature film.

In this new revision the names have been changed (thanks for the suggestion), It's now Krystal and Jordan, and Krystal is now an extra, so there's just two characters.
In fact the whole thing is shorter and has only 3 scenes.
Also the plastic sheet suggestion has been used, as well as cutting out the phone call, phone calls would have been hard to shoot anyway.
I didn't include graves because, I can't see anyway I'm going to be able to dig a hole in a park (or even less so in a cemetery.)
Also breaking down and crying, thanks nikisun, i added more emotive power into Sylvester's words, Jordan is hit badly by revelation, because she realizes that she too actually loves him.
Also something I realised about Sylvester's character while writing this new version is how totally into guitar music he is, when he goes somewhat delirious at the end he's thinking of music. And I now want to put a basically guitar only soundtrack on the movie, the end at least.
Yes he was hit by a car, he still is and wakes up in the exact spot he was hit, he's unconscious for a couple of minutes at most. Initially it was that he woke up in a different location, in fact this is what sparked the script idea.
and robi got the blood thing, he was basically saying that he can't stand the sight of blood to give them some room, and to show her that he is supposed to win, because she knows it's a lie. But i cut that out anyway, that whole scene was filled with weak character moments.

It is much cleaner now. You said you'd repeat it like Run Lola Run so I'll leave plot/motivation issues aside beyond the comment that a murder/suicide by accident is pretty dark material.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

Thanks RJ. I might repeat it, but I was only toying with the idea, right now I'm afraid that it might be simply too short on it's own, so repeating it might pull it to a better length. On the other hand it might stand better on its own as a very short powerful film. What I've got now are basically the workings of a modern Romeo and Juliet Tragedy.
Which reminds me, I need some suggestions for a title.
Also if there is anything missing tell me, or anything that can fill the film a bit more so it's less of a bare-bones story, I'm keen to write more into this story now, just to see what might work, i can always strip it back down to this later.

Thanks again,
-V

You might want to add in some of the flashback because that provided the motivation. Start with the car crash. Then jump back to the flashback. Show the music lessons with Sylvester more interested in the guitar than the lesson (as before). Show the guitar student more interested in Sylvester. Show the guitar student's boyfriend with a picture of Jordan, he pops some pills and makes a phone call.

Then Sylvester leaves the lesson and bam, back to the car crash.

Then have Jordan use the gun to force Sylvester to pull Krystal's body out of the trunk. She pops some pills (same pills the boyfriend had earlier), she's not in her right mind. It's got more power if he has to touch the dead body. Move it. He's part of the crime. Jordan is crying. She's heard foul things of betrayal and feels his reaction confirms it.

The boyfriend is in the park waiting. He hasn't dug the grave as planned. Jordan is pissed. The whole thing unravels. Sylvester tells Jordan he loves her, its all a mistake. That the boyfriend set him up to give lessons to Krystal. He just finished the last lesson. He needed the money to buy her something. He has the ring or whatever in his pocket as proof.

Jordan realizes what a mistake she's made. She shoots the boyfriend and Sylvester gets the shovel and puts the first cut into the sod, ready to bury the bodies. "Dig deep" Jordan says.

The title is "Dig Deep"

Anyway take or discard it as you need. Its got motivation, a bit more of a twist, and you don't have to dig the grass.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

I like the rewrite. It makes more sense and is a way easier to visulise but you are right about it being a bit bare bones. Characters are more believable to but I think the pill popping RJ suggests might make it more so.

I was wondering if perhaps its coz Jordan is a bit psycho crazy jealous that Sylvester is trying to buy her a present. Perhaps they have been going through a rough patch.

If you take RJ suggestion and get him to give her the ring or ( I like the death bit by the way with him explaining - he could give her the ring out of his jacket all bloody saying something like

'I just wanted to show you how much I (splutter cough )love you'

then he dies. Ring falls to the ground...

(Man dialogue is not my strong point but hopefully you get the idea - obviously there would have to be some reference to the having problems as well to make it work but that could just be a line by Jordan maybe when she confronts him maybe)

OK, small edit, the new scene is the same as from the original edit, without the VO. This might work, but tell me what you think.

Also with an extra scene I can always cut it out in post.

Thanks for the good suggestions again nikisun and RJ.
The ring is a good idea, adds more motivation for her final action, and helps reinforce his feeling.
I like both of them dying at the end, it brings more finality to it.
I also feel if I add more characters or scenes, they'll only deviate from the intent of the story rather than add to it.
I've been avoiding this a bit, but really I've got to get it finalised and start some storyboarding and the production side of things, I need to get this finished before the end of January (production at least, post I can do slowly)
So, i started writing a novel instead of working on this. I think I'll just chuck that aside and begin storyboarding and looking around for some crew.

Thanks again for your help,
-V

did they have a three some? That always skrews up a realtion ship! hehehehe Ok, I guess I'd pay to see a 3 some! ??:)?

Best Regards,
Midimark
http://www.super-natural-films.com