Plot- A story of crooked cops and gang warfare unfolds in DEATHTOLL, when a gang leader goes missing, a second in command must find him, plot revenge, and get inside the police while an officer poses as a gang member to gather intel, and a bloody battle occurs, crooked cops, killers, and gangs, oh, and a huge Death Toll.
Script- Death Toll
Opening Scene- Song "Murder Murder" by Juelz Santana- Guns with name of movie/ actors appear and shoot to beat of song, song ends, one last shot. Man walks out, holding notbook, he looks at the camera and reads.
Man- Hey rookie, looks like you've got the gang warfare job.... Don't worry, everyone has to do it.. ..It's like our acceptance mission.... You see, two gangs, the shadows and the iceburgs, have been fueding over territory for six years. They practically run half the city! We need you to pose as a Shadow and take down their inner workings, get us some scum. Come back when you have us some gang lords!
*Fades to Police Station*
*A man walks into the station, sporting a cop outfit, of course. He walks down and busts into a door labeled "Chief". *
Officer- Look sir! I know there's something fishy going on in this station! There's got to be a spy! The Iceburgs know our plan every time we attack!
Chief- I know, Stan, I'm trying to catch the rat!
Officer Stan- Tell me if anything comes up!
*Stan leaves the room and slams the door*
*Camera zooms out, moves, and zooms into Iceburg base down the street. *
Iceburg 1- Submerge! We've got the dealers off our territory!
Submerge- Great, and you brought me Sink right?
Iceburg 2- Yes sir!
*The two men escort a man into the dark and damp room. *
Submerge- Sink!
Sink- You can call me Dave, sir, these names are getting on my nerves!
Submerge- Fine..... Our inside plan going well?
Sink- Yes, they don't even know, their own chief, how could HE possibly second in command of the Ice burgs? It's going swimmingly, and they can't stop us!
DeathToll is in shooting. Current budget- 100$, yeah, It's that sad.
interesting. Ever see the move The Warriors? Thats a classic gang movie. Anyway, i have two main suggestions:
1)Change the name of the Iceburgs. It just sounds silly. The Shadows is a cooler name. The iceburgs kind of sounds like the name of a elementary school traveling soccer team.
2)I would just change some words. Like instead of saying "attacks" call them "busts" or "siege". I feel like police wouldnt use the term "attacks". However the gang might say that but police i feel would be more professional about it. Try to get the gang members to use some more slang too. That will help seperate them from the police.
Keep working at it. I find it helps after you have the first draft done to go back and re-write it because now you have the basic idea of the scene down and you can polish it and make it sound more natural. Nice start but keep at it.
on a scale from 1 to 10 i give the plot a 4 maybe 4.5. That doesnt mean that you as the filmmaker cant make it better and exciting to watch. Keep us updated.
"Anyone who has ever been privileged to direct a film also knows that, although it can be like trying to write 'War and Peace' in a bumper car in an amusement park, when you finally get it right, there are not many joys in life that can equal the feeling." - Stanley Kubrick
"Anyone who has ever been privileged to direct a film also knows that, although it can be like trying to write 'War and Peace' in a bumper car in an amusement park, when you finally get it right, there are not many joys in life that can equal the feeling." - Stanley Kubrick
Thanks for your ideas, and I'll be sure to use them, and yes, I have seen the warriors, amazing movie, this script however came up more from 50 cent (My friend is obssesed with his story) then the Warriors. I planned to have more hand to hand combat, and I got that idea from the warriors, however. Theres hardly a gun in that movie.....
DeathToll is in shooting. Current budget- 100$, yeah, It's that sad.
Man walks out, holding notbook, he looks at the camera and reads.
Man- Hey rookie, looks like you've got the gang warfare job.... Don't worry, everyone has to do it.. ..It's like our acceptance mission.... You see, two gangs, the shadows and the iceburgs, have been fueding over territory for six years. They practically run half the city! We need you to pose as a Shadow and take down their inner workings, get us some scum. Come back when you have us some gang lords!
Sounds like the opening to a video game. Lots of exposition that its unlikely even a rookie would need. You need to break this up a bit more, slip it in all over the place as part of the plot instead of dumping it in one lump on the viewer. If you really do want it in one lump you might start with a tv/radio or newspaper that gives the bulk of it.
RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA
RJSchwarz
