It's not that im stuck, but i feel dragged on about the way it was written. I feel like i can't continue because somethings missing, if anyone can see what i could do i would appreciate it very much.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM, NURSERY WIN - EVENING
A Mother is giving birth to a child. In the room is MARK MANSLOW, 43. As the mother is giving birth, She screams in pain. She looks very petite and brittle. MARK is starting to cry.
CUT TO:
MARK walks out of the room to see his son, KEVIN MANSLOW, 11, sits on the floor of the hospital and waits for his father to come out. Tears are running down his face. MARK leaves the room and sees his son. He picks him up. MARK has tears in his eyes.
MARK
You?re going to have a new baby brother.
KEVIN
(Sobbing)
What about mommy?
MARK
(Begins to cry harder)
She?s gone to heaven.
MARK tries to comfort KEVIN but they?re both upset.
FADE TO BLACK.
CUT TO:
EXT. CEMETERY, FUNERAL - AFTERNOON
About 15 people attend the funeral service, including MARK, KEVIN, and BABY ANDREW. They watch the mother?s coffin go underground.
CUT TO:
INT. MARKS HOME, ANDREW AND KEVIN?S ROOM - NIGHT
BABY ANDREW cries hysterically. MARK yells.
MARK
GET THAT GOD DAMNED BABY TO SHUT UP
KEVIN
I will.
MARK
NOT WILL. NOW!
KEVIN goes next BABY ANDREW?S crib. He plays with the baby through the holes of the crib. KEVIN starts talking to the baby to calm him down
KEVIN
Hey Andrew, it?s OK. It?s OK. Everything will turn out good. I swear. Please stop crying.
BABY ANDREW continues to cry
FADE TO BLACK.
?SIX YEARS LATER?
CUT TO:
INT. MARKS HOME, MAIN ENTRANCE HALLWAY - EVENING
KEVIN and MARK fight verbally.
KEVIN
I don?t care dad, I?m going either way
MARK
You can?t
KEVIN
Why not?
MARK
Because I need someone to take care of this ****en? kid.
KEVIN
Why don?t you try? Huh?
MARK
You know what? Get out.
KEVIN
I was just gonna.
KEVIN leaves the house. MARK stares back at the ground. We see ANDREW at six years old. He plays with a photo album. MARK grabs a bottle of beer from the table and takes a sip. ANDREW goes up to MARK and shows him a picture of ANDREW?S mother.
ANDREW
Daddy, is this mommy?
MARK
Yeah it is.
ANDREW
Where is she?
MARK
You killed her. Now get out of my sight.
ANDREW
What?
MARK
(starting to raise his voice)
GET TO YOUR ROOM.
ANDREW walks toward his room. A look of frustration takes over MARKS face.
The synopsis is...
A mother is giving birth to a boy. This would be her second child with the same husband. She dies giving birth to him. The father has now had a complete agression of hate towards this new kid. When he and his brother grow up, the father constatly bothers the now young adult saying he will never grow to amount to nothing, not like his now sucsessful brother. This love for the other son is shown, but the brother does not even see the family anymore after his sucsess. The boy says "screw it, if i wont amount to nuthin', then i aint gonna be nuthin'". after going through drug addictions and in and out of jail, he finds out his father is dying. In one last oppourtunity, he trys to change to be who his father has always wanted him to be, sucsessful, with a family.
I don't think it's a bad story, but how is Kevin going to age six years? You will find it very difficult to use the same actor, and if you don't, they may not look the same. I have no experience with this sort of thing, but you may have some troubles with that. I like the mum dying bit though.
well i dont plan on filming this yet, this is just for the screenwriting phase behind it. What could be done to it, what does the dialogue sound like to you, natural? to artificial? the story line, etc
I don't quite understand your synopsis. Which brother is it actually who does all the drugs and jail stuff. I can't seem to work out if you mean the older or the younger one. Please explain.
Actor aging 6 years. Simple, give the guy a noticable feature such as a scar or unique hairstyle, a stutter or missing tooth, even a necklace. Then fade from one actor to another focusing on that feature and everyone will get it without seeing a 6 years later Title.
RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA
RJSchwarz
I can understand that, but I still think that would be a bit difficult in this case. I'm not saying it wouldn't work, but you start out with a kid and then switch to a teenager, man almost. I mean, with the younger brother it would be easy, as nobody looks the same as they did when they were a baby. You could use almost any kid and you would still think it was the same one. I just think that some people are going to notice. It's quite a good story though. I could be interested in watching it. Hope it turns out well.
My point is it doesn't really matter if the audience notices as long as they understand that it is supposed to be the same character. Of course if the actors are totally different (different races or accents) the audience will wonder why and it will take them out of the story so you can only go so far with this.
RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA
RJSchwarz
It just feels kind of forced, really. with having the hospital and funeral scenes first, the audience will feel sympathetic towards the father, and it will feel jarring to show that the father now hates his youngest son.
My advice? start in present day, MAKE the audience wonder why he hates his son and make them dislike the father a little bit too. Then, further in, show those scenes in a flashback sequence, maybe stylized a little, maybe at the end cut to a close up of the father's face as he wakes up in a cold sweat from the nightmare he was having. Make the audience realize how hard it was on the father, and make them sypathetic towards him and maybe a little guilty about not liking him in the begining. Think, "The Great Santini". Try to show his humanity a little bit.
Just my advice, just try to think outside the box a little. It sounds like a good start, it just feels a little too much like a documentary. Good luck.
Got 1911?
Got 1911?
Hmm..
Is it about documentary or just short movie..???
Cuz I don't get your story yet..
Depend's on what you want to do with your script
Nada Taufik
Film Maker
pink_rebels?filmsindie.com
http://www.filmsindie.com/pinkrebels
Nada Taufik
Film Maker
pink_rebels?filmsindie.com
http://www.filmsindie.com/pinkrebels
I agree the film should show cut back through the 6 years, and not start off with the baby being born...
plus, the ending could be more peowerful, and the sript could be extended, there needs to be a little more content
but, I like!
