This is the screenplay in part. I dont want to send the wole thing, i hope you all understand =)

UNTITLED OFF TO WAR MOVIE
By Justin Tierney
OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE
Different clips of the war, and people protesting on TV, while credits are fading on and off screen.
CUT TO:
INT. HOME - DAY
Melvin is watching television. He is watching the news listening to the news on the war. As he is watching, he listens to how the war is almost over and such. We hear him in a VOICE OVER.
MELVIN (V.O.)

When I would watch TV, I would listen to the news to hear about the war in Japan. I was drafted about 3 months ago, and they verified I was alright to go. I'm supposed to be shipped off in about two weeks. I didn?t go to college, I had nothing going in my life. That?s probably why they drafted me. I didn?t know what I wanted to do. I probably would have enlisted sometime soon if I wasn?t drafted first.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAKE - EVENING
We watch Melvin walking along the beach of a lake. As he is walking, he is looking up either at the sky, or at the lake as well. While he is looking at the water, Rachel sneaks up behind him and tries to scare him. Melvin looks around and sees her and smiles.
RACHEL
Gotcha!
MELVIN
Not really!
RACHEL
Oh yes I so did!
MELVIN
That?s why I?m (mocking Rachel) So laughing right now.
RACHEL
You jumped!
MELVIN
(Sarcastically) Yeah, your right. I was so scared I couldn't express emotion.
RACHEL
Ha-ha you ******! So what are you doing out here this late?
MELVIN
Just walking down, thinking about stuff.
RACHEL
Yeah... it?s almost a week from today, nervous?
MELVIN
Yeah, I?m nervous, and a little excited
RACHEL
How are you excited?
MELVIN
Just to get away from it all and stuff, you know?
RACHEL
What about me? What about your friends?
MELVIN
What do you mean what about them?
RACHEL
Well, don?t you think we care?
MELVIN
I know you do Rachel, But I just can?t stop the president and tell him my friends don?t want me to go.
RACHEL
I kn...(interrupted)
Melvin interrupts Rachel accidentally
MELVIN
Can I... Oh sorry.
RACHEL
It?s OK, you go.
MELVIN
No, you.
RACHEL
Alright, well, why you? Why did they just so happen to pick you?
MELVIN
(Jokingly)
Isn't it obvious? They need a big strong hot guy
RACHEL
(Laughing lightly)
Well then why did they pick you?
They both laugh together.
RACHEL
Well, we?re going to have to spend a lot more time together.
MELVIN
More than we usually do...
RACHEL
(Smiles)
Damn straight
(They hug)
RACHEL
Alright, well I?m getting ready to go home, I?ve got work in the morning.
MELVIN
Bye!
Rachel leaves the beach. As Melvin is walking the beach, you hear his VOICE OVER.
MELVIN
(V.O.)
Rachel is my best friend. We?ve know each other since I was in 3rd grade. She is a year older than me. She lived a few houses from me. When I moved here, her family delivered a cake to us. Pretty cliche?. But as they delivered, the power went out, and my family offered them to stay at our house for a little bit. We played a few board games together.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Melvin is laying down in his bed as the phone rings. His friend Jordan is on the other line.
MELVIN
Hello?
JORDAN
Hey man what?s up?
MELVIN
Not much, what?s wrong?
JORDAN
Nothing man, what are you doing right now?
MELVIN
I was sleeping.
JORDAN
Oh sorry dude, but come by the High school, I got some stuff for you
MELVIN
What do you mean?
JORDAN
Not drugs man, if that?s what you think
MELVIN
Then what?
JORDAN
It?s a surprise dude, just come over.
MELVIN
The school right?
JORDAN
Yeah
Melvin starts to get up and dressed.
CUT TO:
EXT. NIGHT - HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT
MELVIN
(V.O.)
I didn?t know what Jordan wanted with me, usually it would have something to do with drugs. I stopped doing anything with him and drugs once i was drafted. I didn?t want that shit in my system or I?d be screwed. He knew I wouldn?t go near him if it had to do with drugs.
Melvin parks next to Jordan?s car while Jordan is sitting outside his own car. Melvin walks out of his car and greets Jordan
MELVIN
Hey man what?s up?
JORDAN
Not much, so you want the surprise?
MELVIN
Yeah, I mean you did wake me up for this.
JORDAN
Here you go, an eighth of silver haze.
MELVIN
What the hell man?
Jordan goes into his pocket and pretends to pull out a dime bag. He pulls out nothing and grins
JORDAN
Just kidding dude.
MELVIN
Yeah, well ha-ha.
JORDAN
Well no the real present is in the car.
Melvin looks in the car and sees a very attractive girl in the backseat. She waves at Melvin and smiles
JORDAN
She?s all yours man, for tonight only. 3 hours maximum.
MELVIN
(angrily)
Are you serious?
JORDAN
What? You don?t want this babe?
Melvin stares at Jordan for a second with anger.
JORDAN
I?m just playin? man. She?s my chick. Her names Kelly.
MELVIN
For a second, I thought you changed from drug dealing to pimpin?.
They both laugh.
MELVIN
So... What?s the real surprise?
JORDAN
Come with me.
Melvin gets into Jordan?s car as they drive off.
MELVIN
(V.O.)
Jordan can also be pretty annoying. He?s always being sarcastic and obnoxious, but he?s a cool kid. We?ve known each other for a while.
CUT TO:
INT. NIGHT - DINER
Melvin, Jordan, and Kelly are sitting at the diner. They are waiting for their food as they talk.
JORDAN
So what are your plans this week?
MELVIN
You know, just seeing old friends, hanging out, spending some time with them before I leave.
JORDAN
(To Kelly)
Melvin here is going to Japan.
KELLY
(To Melvin)
In the war?
MELVIN
Yeah.
KELLY
Wow, are you nervous or what?
MELVIN
A little.
JORDAN
Oh foods here.
MELVIN
I don?t mean to sound rude man, but is this the surprise you had to show me today?
JORDAN
Oh so me taking you out to dinner isn?t good enough?
MELVIN
No man, it?s great, never mind sorry.
JORDAN
Ha-ha man I?m not mad or anything, I?m actually leaving tomorrow afternoon to Florida with the family. We?re visiting my grandma. She?s got cancer.
MELVIN
Oh shit. I?m sorry man.
JORDAN
No it?s alright don?t worry about it. I also wanted to give you this.
Jordan pulls out a DVD. He hands it to Melvin.
MELVIN
Oh man! Thanks dude. This is the funniest movies ever!
JORDAN
Stoner movie man, we love this shit.
MELVIN
Oh man thanks again.
JORDAN
I thought it?d lift your spirits during the war and all.
MELVIN
Wow this is awesome!
JORDAN
But how are you going to watch this in your camp or platoon or whatever?
MELVIN
I don?t know, they probably have a player there or something.
JORDAN
Yeah... Like this?
Jordan pulls out another item. This one is in a medium sized box. It is a portable DVD player.
MELVIN
(Excited)
WOW! This is amazing. You didn?t have to.
JORDAN
Why not man?

Two things I see as a problem. Number one:

quote:

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Originally posted by Justinsane
Since we are all in out late teens early 20's, i dont expect it to be much.

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If you don't expect much then it's hard for others to expect much. I started reading knowing that the writer doesn't expect much out of the script and story.

Number two: You have a situation. Not a story.

You fall into the formula that many writers who are just starting out fall into: you feel you need to explain what the main character is thinking and feeling in voice over. It?s easier than developing your character through action and dialogue. And many new writers do it.

But very few successful films use voice over like that because it?s not very visual. Of course you will be able to point out many movies that use voice over well, but until you are as good a writer as Scorsese and Pileggi (Goodfellas), Darabont (Shawahank Redemption) or Roth (Forrest Gump) it?s best to lay off the voice over narration.

The situation you have isn?t a very interesting one. Love, rejection and long distance acceptance has been done so many different ways it takes a very skilled writer, director and actors to engage an audience. I don?t see any real conflict. No goal from your main character. Saying goodbye to friends seems like it will get repetitive very soon.

Of course I need to remind you this in my opinion only.

If you really are thinking about expanding this to sell you need to have a story. These situations might work well in a good story. Also you meed to learn proper format (very easy) and write more actively. You have a very passive style of writing. A helpful hint is to eliminate all ?ing? The ?ing? form of verbs generally indicates imperfect tense, past imperfect/progressive tense, or passive usage. All are extremely weak verb forms.

For example:
INT. NIGHT - DINER
Melvin, Jordan, and Kelly are sitting at the diner. They are waiting for their food as they talk.

You tell us way to many things that aren?t important. We know they are in the diner because the slug line reads ?DINER? and we know they are talking because we can read the dialogue. Something like this is more active writing:

INT. NIGHT - DINER
Melvin, Jordan, and Kelly sit in a booth near the back. Jordan fiddles with
the zipper on the large backpack next to him and Kelly plays with a couple
of sugar packets on the table.

You don?t need to tell the reader they are waiting for food - they?re in a diner, if there is no food on the table we will know they haven?t eaten yet. And you don?t need to tell us they are talking because you have dialogue in the scene. Also you establish that Jordan has a backpack (or something) so when he ?pulls out another item? we know it came from a backpack.

This is also where you can establish a little about your characters. If Kelly is doing something - stirring coffee, nervously playing with the knives, fooling around with a pack of cigarettes - it can give a little insight into the character.

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The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.
Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)

What if i take out the useless VO but leave the ones where he describes what the friends mean to him? also what about adding the conflict of man vs. self to it? he starts to have a mental breakdown before he leaves not only because of the war, but because of the rejection and the distance he feels between his friends?

Thanks for the critique so far =)

You can leave all the voice over if you want. In general it?s much better to show what his friends mean to him rather than tell what his friends mean to him. After all, film/video is a visual medium.

In my opinion the man vs. self story is very difficult to pull off. It take extremely skilled writers, directors and actors to do it. ?A Beautiful Mind? is one example - look at the experience of the people involved - and even then much of what Nash was feeling and thinking was put into visuals, not voice over. It?s also the theme that most new writers/movie makers are attracted to.

I know I was. My first few scripts were about the pain, confusion, loss and rejection of being a young adult. We all go through it and we all thing we can write well about it. The irony is, it takes years of experience and living before most writers can translate all those feeling into a script and movie that young adults can relate to. I mean how many great movies have you seen about 16 to 25 years olds that were written by a 16 to 25 year old writer?

Movies about the feelings of the main character are difficult to pull off. Feelings are so internal - best used in a novel. Movies are usually about what happens, not what people feel. If you are a good enough writer to pull off a story about a mental break down because of rejection and the feelings distance between friends, then go for it!

But since you said you don?t expect it to be too much, maybe you should write something you have more passion for. Something you expect to be really great.

i meant the filming itself not to be great, its only friends acting for me, unpaid. i felt the script itself had a chance, and it does, but this is all rough, i still need to (finish) and polish

I'm not into romance/find out who your true friends are movies. But, you've got a decent idea. Here's an idea- shoot it in Kevin Smith's style of Mallrats, if you haven't seen the movie, It's like a documentary style film technique. Perhaps add scenes OF the war to help boost rating.

DeathToll is in shooting. Current budget- 100$, yeah, It's that sad.