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Originally posted by pdh1

Hello All,
I just finished my script. I would love some opinions on it. I hope to one day have it produced as an independent film (hint hint to any aspiring filmmakers).

Here is the short summary:
A giant solar flare causes a worldwide black out, forcing residents of a middle-class suburb to get by with no modern conveniences. The community pulls together and adapts to a simpler way of life, but their success draws the attention of the less resourceful residents in the area and soon results in a war between communities.

Thanks so much!
Pal

Paul Hilburger

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It sounds like an interesting idea. The key, however, is in the script! Give http://www.triggerstreet.com a shot for feedback. 🙂

Brian Dzyak
Cameraman/Author
IATSE Local 600, SOC
http://www.whatireallywanttodo.com
http://www.realfilmcareer.com

This whole 'mysterious apocalyptic event precipitating war' story feels like it's been done to death (The Stand?).

I'm assuming you're aware of this so my quesion would be: What is it about your version of this story that would make me want to see it? Is there an interesting story hook or twist? Are your characters particularly interesting or memorable? Why? Does it have a unique and/or interesting visual style that the script suggests?

BTW, I hope your science is plausible if not 100% accurate.

Are you sure your script is finished? How many re-writes has it gone through? Have you gotten trustworthy feedback on it? Have you gotten it on it's feet and listened to it

I didn't see length indicated in your post. I assume it's a feature? If you really think it's finished I'll take a look at it if you like but be warned, I'm a good critic, but a fairly harsh one.

Vertigo

Thanks for the reply Vertigo.

The script as it stands now is 112 pages long. The solar flare angle is something I may change, since I guess it was used in the movie "knowing", which I haven't seen yet. The script isn't really much about the "cause" as it is the "effect". This isn't a big disaster movie. In fact most of it takes place in one suburb, from an average guy's point of view. It asks the question, if all modern conveniences were gone (electricity, computers, etc), what would you do? How would your family get by? The main characters in the neighborhood, after an adjust period, learn to get by, and actually grow closer as a community. Parents free from working 60 plus hours a week reconnect with their children, etc. The first half is actually kind of light hearted.

Much of it was inspired by the differences in how communities act when confronted with big change. I explore two paths, the one showing how people pull together and take of themselves and each other, and the other path in which people wait for the government to come rescue them, and then get increasing desperate when the help doesn't arrive.

I have gotten advice from a editor and paid for script coverages, and have incorporated their suggestions. This is currently the 3rd rewrite.

So if the sounds like something you would want to read, please let me know where to send it. Thanks again !

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Originally posted by DVertigo

This whole 'mysterious apocalyptic event precipitating war' story feels like it's been done to death (The Stand?).

I'm assuming you're aware of this so my quesion would be: What is it about your version of this story that would make me want to see it? Is there an interesting story hook or twist? Are your characters particularly interesting or memorable? Why? Does it have a unique and/or interesting visual style that the script suggests?

BTW, I hope your science is plausible if not 100% accurate.

Are you sure your script is finished? How many re-writes has it gone through? Have you gotten trustworthy feedback on it? Have you gotten it on it's feet and listened to it

I didn't see length indicated in your post. I assume it's a feature? If you really think it's finished I'll take a look at it if you like but be warned, I'm a good critic, but a fairly harsh one.

Vertigo

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Paul Hilburger

Solar flares cause communication blackouts but those are just radio signals and the whole thing is temporary. It sounds like your flare is taking out the grid, more like an EMP. An EMP is localized unless you're talking about a full scale nuke war or something. On the other hand, if you had a plague, you might see power plants go offline which would give you more or less the same result of technological breakdown.

Either way, the breakdown happens:

The smarter, industrious folks might start making stills and alcohol, propane, and biodiesel based engines (when they loot the market are people gonna steal all the corn oil? Probably not) or start taking solar panels out of the home depot and installing them.

The less industrious town can be trying to grab up gasoline. First by securing gas stations and then by syphoning gas from abandoned cars.

That way you have one town with a long term plan and the other with a fairly obvious end date as the oil processing infrastructure would certainly be damaged by such an event.

RJSchwarz

Well, actually back in 2003 I think, a really BIG solar flare just missed the earth. Scientist were saying if it had hit, it would knocked out all the power in North America, fried most of the computer chips, taken down satellites, etc.

That is what I was basing it all on, but my story is much more localized.
It is about how the people look around at the environment around them and learn how purify rain water, plant and store found, hunt deer in the wooded area next to their suburb, and enjoy simpler pleasures like watching stars at night. It is also about how this small society forms and the rules they create to keep order. This balance gets upset when a selfish resident gets expelled from the community. He wanders into another community that is much worse off, and uses it as a chance to get back at his former neighbors.

quote:

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Originally posted by rjschwarz

Solar flares cause communication blackouts but those are just radio signals and the whole thing is temporary. It sounds like your flare is taking out the grid, more like an EMP. An EMP is localized unless you're talking about a full scale nuke war or something. On the other hand, if you had a plague, you might see power plants go offline which would give you more or less the same result of technological breakdown.

Either way, the breakdown happens:

The smarter, industrious folks might start making stills and alcohol, propane, and biodiesel based engines (when they loot the market are people gonna steal all the corn oil? Probably not) or start taking solar panels out of the home depot and installing them.

The less industrious town can be trying to grab up gasoline. First by securing gas stations and then by syphoning gas from abandoned cars.

That way you have one town with a long term plan and the other with a fairly obvious end date as the oil processing infrastructure would certainly be damaged by such an event.

RJSchwarz

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Paul Hilburger

Good answers, Paul, I'm encouraged.

I'd agree that the cause explanation might need some work but since the event as-it-happens isn't part of the story then I would say that it doesn't need to be overdetailed just plausible enough for the science types.

Yeah, I'd like to see it I think. I won't be any tougher on you than I am on me, I promise.

Vertigo

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Originally posted by DVertigo

Good answers, Paul, I'm encouraged.

I'd agree that the cause explanation might need some work but since the event as-it-happens isn't part of the story then I would say that it doesn't need to be overdetailed just plausible enough for the science types.

Yeah, I'd like to see it I think. I won't be any tougher on you than I am on me, I promise.

Vertigo

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Why do you want to see it? Do you plan on producing it and making it better and a viable commercial entity?

Do you have nothing else to do that you're willing to provide advice? And what qualifications does "Vertigo" (no real name?) have that should make an aspiring Writer/Filmmaker trust your opinion? Why should pdh1 trust Vertigo enough to send his original idea and script to him (that might be stolen!)? Is Vertigo genuinely trying to help (and if so, what are his qualifications that make his opinion worthwhile) or is he just a "troll" mining for naive wanna-be filmmakers who are willing to just send ideas and full scripts.

pdh1... Before you send your script or pass your ideas to ANYONE, do yourself a favor and check their references. And NEVER pay anyone for "coverage." That's a scam. If the idea and script are good enough, a real Producer or Production Company will read it because THEY like the concept. Your best avenue is to acquire an established Agent. An Agent's sole purpose in life is to earn 10% of what you earn so it's in their interest to only take on the very best and the projects that have the best potential. Don't give your money to "readers" or just hand your script over to strangers on the internet in order to get random feedback. When you feel your writing is good enough, then seek out an Agent.

AND I encourage every aspiring Writer to visit http://www.wordplayer.com. Read EVERY PAGE. Seriously.

Brian Dzyak
Cameraman/Author
IATSE Local 600, SOC
http://www.whatireallywanttodo.com
http://www.realfilmcareer.com

Oh, good lord. The guy is ASKING for opinions on his writing. I'm willing to give it to him.

I have absolutely no interest in profiting from anyone else's ideas and I'll sign any document or make any statement to that effect that an author wants me to.

Paul,
while the method of making the point was sort of dumb the point he made is valid. And it's true you don't know me from Adam. So if you're going to put your script out there you should register it with the Writer's Guild. It'll cost you $20 if you're not a member and will protect you from the thieves that do exist (and they do).

As I told you, Since you were so far along in the process I assumed you had already done this (or something similar) but if you haven't make sure you do before you show it to ANYONE you don't know and trust.

In fact, If you haven't protected your work I don't want to see it until you do.

Vertigo

Yes, I registered it with the Writer's Guild once the first draft was completed.
And I am just interested in getting as many opinions as I can. I have paid for professional coverages and critiques, but it never hurts to hear from up and coming actual filmmakers.

Also, I would love to give my opinions on other scripts if people on this forum want me to.
Thanks guys, you both rock!

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Originally posted by DVertigo

Oh, good lord. The guy is ASKING for opinions on his writing. I'm willing to give it to him.

Did I hurt your feelings, bri-bri? I'm weally sowwy, but your time would probably be better spent polishing my lenses than talking crap.

I have absolutely no interest in profiting from anyone else's ideas and I'll sign any document or make any statement to that effect that an author wants me to.

Does that make you feel better, 'author'?

Paul,
while the method of making the point was sort of dumb the point he made is valid. And it's true you don't know me from Adam. So if you're going to put your script out there you should register it with the Writer's Guild. It'll cost you $20 if you're not a member and will protect you from the thieves that do exist (and they do).

As I told you, Since you were so far along in the process I assumed you had already done this (or something similar) but if you haven't make sure you do before you show it to ANYONE you don't know and trust.

In fact, If you haven't protected your work I don't want to see it until you do.

Vertigo

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Paul Hilburger

Yes I do have an actual agent.
You have some valid points, but I do have it registered and all.
Thanks Brian.

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Originally posted by bjdzyak

quote:

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Originally posted by DVertigo

Good answers, Paul, I'm encouraged.

I'd agree that the cause explanation might need some work but since the event as-it-happens isn't part of the story then I would say that it doesn't need to be overdetailed just plausible enough for the science types.

Yeah, I'd like to see it I think. I won't be any tougher on you than I am on me, I promise.

Vertigo

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Why do you want to see it? Do you plan on producing it and making it better and a viable commercial entity?

Do you have nothing else to do that you're willing to provide advice? And what qualifications does "Vertigo" (no real name?) have that should make an aspiring Writer/Filmmaker trust your opinion? Why should pdh1 trust Vertigo enough to send his original idea and script to him (that might be stolen!)? Is Vertigo genuinely trying to help (and if so, what are his qualifications that make his opinion worthwhile) or is he just a "troll" mining for naive wanna-be filmmakers who are willing to just send ideas and full scripts.

pdh1... Before you send your script or pass your ideas to ANYONE, do yourself a favor and check their references. And NEVER pay anyone for "coverage." That's a scam. If the idea and script are good enough, a real Producer or Production Company will read it because THEY like the concept. Your best avenue is to acquire an established Agent. An Agent's sole purpose in life is to earn 10% of what you earn so it's in their interest to only take on the very best and the projects that have the best potential. Don't give your money to "readers" or just hand your script over to strangers on the internet in order to get random feedback. When you feel your writing is good enough, then seek out an Agent.

AND I encourage every aspiring Writer to visit http://www.wordplayer.com. Read EVERY PAGE. Seriously.

Brian Dzyak
Cameraman/Author
IATSE Local 600, SOC
http://www.whatireallywanttodo.com
http://www.realfilmcareer.com

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Paul Hilburger