TWO FACED Copyright ? May 2005
1. EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS DAY
INTERCUT WITH,
INT. CAR NIGHT
AS REQUIRED.
WAYNE and JASON, early twenties, hip looking, sit back against a tree, cracking jokes.
JASON
I wanna talk to you for a minute. Wanna a smoke?
WAYNE
Say again.
JASON
You wanna sm?
WAYNE
Yeah!
They both chuckle, JASON pulls out a packet, offers it to WAYNE. WAYNE sticks a smoke in his mouth and feels his pockets.
WAYNE
Got a light?
JASON is a little nervous. He pulls out a lighter and lights WAYNE?S cigarette.
JASON
I wouldn?t ask if I thought you minded...But I won?t do it if you don?t want me to.
WAYNE shows little interest.
WAYNE
What?
JASON
It?s about Cheryl?You aren?t goin? out anymore.
WAYNE starts flicking his cigarette butt with his thumb.
A BEAT
JASON
Are you pissed off?
Extreme close up of WAYNE eyes.
WAYNE looks as though he could stick a knife into him.
JASON (V.O.)
I?ve been waiting for the right time.
INT. CAR NIGHT
JASON and CHERYL are half naked inside a car, kissing frantically.
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS DAY
WAYNE blows smoke into the air.
JASON stands and dusts himself off.
JASON
I haven?t had a girlfriend for ages.
BEAT
WAYNE, looks straight ahead, his eyes more fierce.
JASON shakes his head, gets up, and goes to leave.
WAYNE
Didn?t wait for the bed to go cold did ya?
JASON glances back.
2. INT. WAYNE?S KITCHEN NIGHT
WAYNE is smoking in the kitchen, obsessing over the telephone. He picks up the phone and hangs up. He considers a moment and picks it up again. He dials the number, clears his throat.
CHERYL (V.O)
Hello?
WAYNE (To phone)
Hi.
CHERYL
Hi.
WAYNE
What are you doing now?
CHERYL
Oh, I was just about to go bed. I?m tired.
WAYNE
Oh.
CHERYL
I have to go. Sorry.
WAYNE
Wait a sec?I just wanted to know?if you still feel anything.
CHERYL
(Sighs) I don?t know.
WAYNE
I want you to be honest, so I can move on then?I won?t bother you again. OK?
CHERYL
What.
WAYNE
Are you seeing Jason now?
CHERYL
Who told you this?
WAYNE
Jason told me today.
CHERYL goes quiet.
WAYNE
Are ya?
CHERYL
If he already told you, why are you asking?
WAYNE slams the phone down. He paces the kitchen, swearing. He scratches his head wildly. He lights a cigarette, flicking madly at it.
3. EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS DAY
WAYNE (with bloodshot eyes) strides up to Jason and punches him. He falls, his hands covers his nose.
WAYNE
You?re already *ing her!
JASON looks up, WAYNE has been crying.
JASON
Bullshit?what are ya talking about???
WAYNE leaves JASON on the ground, holding his jaw.
4. EXT WAYNE?S HOUSE DAY
JASON bangs on WAYNE?S screen door. WAYNE steps out and lights a smoke, not taking his eyes off him.
WAYNE
Stud! Must be spring in the air aye?
JASON
Is it?
WAYNE
I nearly forgot! I?ve got something for ya.
WAYNE turns back inside. He comes back out and flicks a photo at JASON, it falls to the floor.
JASON looks at; he picks up a photo of CHERYL.
WAYNE
You deserve each other. She?s a slut and you?re a *ing asshole.
JASON looks up and explodes. Punches connect WAYNE?S head and he stumbles. Just when he finds his feet, Smack! JASON jabs his nose, he falls. Blood pours from his nose.
WAYNE
Oh shit!
WAYNE gets up, staggers inside, holding his nose.
JASON pushes WAYNE?S down. His hands wrap around WAYNE?S throat. WAYNE?S hand clutches a beer bottle. He jumps up, roars and smashes JASON across the head.
Blood seeps over the floor. The photo of Cheryl lies in the puddle of blood.
DISSOLVE TO:
6. INT. HOSPITAL DAY
WAYNE enters the front entrance of the hospital.
WAYNE slowly enters the room.
JASON is sitting upright with his head wrapped in a bandage. JASON looks up and sees WAYNE.
WAYNE stops a short distance from JASON?S bed. He hands out a packet of cigarettes. JASON looks the other way. WAYNE places the cigarettes on the bed.
WAYNE
Sorry about your head.
JASON stares the other direction. WAYNE looks around the room. He remembers something.
He pulls out the photo of CHERYL and holds it out to JASON.
WAYNE
I got you somethin??here.
JASON ignores him.
WAYNE
(Smirks)
Look. I wiped the blood of it for ya.
JASON turns and glares at WAYNE. WAYNE saddens.
A LONG BEAT
WAYNE heads for the door. JASON picks up the photo and looks at CHERYL.
JASON
Hey.
WAYNE stops and turns around.
JASON
Wanna smoke?
WAYNE
What?
JASON
I said do you wanna smoke?
A BEAT
WAYNE smiles
WAYNE
Say again?
JASON
Wanna?
WAYNE
Yeah.
END.
someone?
You fall into the trap of most newer writers. Telling the reader everything.
quote:
WAYNE and JASON, early twenties, hip looking, sit back against a tree, cracking jokes.
Rather than tell us they are cracking jokes - have the characters actually crack some jokes.
quote:
He pulls out a lighter and lights WAYNE?S cigarette.
Unless there is a sign on the cig?s with Wayne?s name, the audience won?t know they belong to him. We will assume they are Jason?s because he pulls them out of his own pocket.
If it?s important that we know they are Wayne?s - you need a way to show us.
quote:
WAYNE shows little interest.
Once again. You tell us this. But this time you also show us - which is good. Wayne?s ?What?? shows that he isn?t paying much attention to Jason.
quote:
WAYNE starts flicking his cigarette butt with his thumb.
Another common problem. Passive writing. Wayne doesn?t ?start flicking?. He either flicks the cig butt or he doesn?t. Get into the habit of writing actively - no ?ing? words.
quote:
WAYNE is smoking in the kitchen, obsessing over the telephone. He picks up the phone and hangs up.
A perfect example of both passive writing and telling rather than showing.
1 - We already know Wayne is in the kitchen - no need to tell us twice.
2 - The act of picking up the phone and putting it down shows us he?s obsessing. You don?t need to tell us he?s obsessing.
You only capitalize the characters names the first time they are seen - after that no need to do it.
As far as the story: It was expected and way too cliché for me. After you tell us the two guys are cracking jokes I was disappointed to not get any jokes - something to show a little character.
The fight over a girl and the reconciliation after isn?t very interesting. You don?t do anything interesting with it. You don?t even make the characters unique in any way.
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The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.
Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)
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The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.
Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)
to add a certain twist to the story you could pull a "Fight Club" and make them the same person, hence the title of TWO FACE. you would have to change the convo with the girlfriend. just make it so she seems confused. then change the fight to a verbal one and poof you have added a little twist to the end
"Anyone who has ever been privileged to direct a film also knows that, although it can be like trying to write 'War and Peace' in a bumper car in an amusement park, when you finally get it right, there are not many joys in life that can equal the feeling." - Stanley Kubrick
Thanks man, that is a very cool idea!
You're welcome. I'm glad to take the time...
Oh - you weren't talking to me.
Nevermind.
=============================================
The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.
Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)
=============================================
The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.
Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)
thank you to you certified
i actually sent you an email of thanks and appreciation but you probably didn't get it then.
Maybe you should try adding better dialouge. Like what someone said, actually have them crack a joke. Keep on working on it and after a while it will be something.
Do you feel that maybe there is room to add more character to Cheryl?
i like it. Very dramatic. U might want to add some seduction later on.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
