Looks pretty interesting, I definatly want to see the rest.

will upload some more as soon as done. Thanks very much for reply

http://filmind.meetup.com/296/?gj=sj3

Could you really lose a license for hiring doormen? Would the police really blame the doormen rather than drunken thugs? Unless the thugs are connected to the police/politicians or the club is a haven for drug sales or something I would think the cops would tend to side with the business as businesses rarely find it profitable to beat up customers.

I also would avoid using comical pen-names like Wayne Campbell as it'll distract people from your story, especially as this one doesn't appear to be a comedy. If Wayne is a real name be aware that the connection to Waynes World's lead character will come up and you should insert a middle initial or something to show that it's not intentional.

Having said all of that, my points create mystery in the reader. It's a fine line between mystery and calling bullocks. If you satisfy the mystery you keep the audience going. If you don't, or take too long, you send them packing.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

Thanks for the reply RJ

C This is based on a true incident.
He couldnt lose his license for employing doormen per se, but if the manager knew he was employing them, whilst they didnt have their door license, then he would be in trouble.

That was the reasoning for signing the door book under false names, and the manager laughing.

The missing videotape does come into play later on for this reason.

It is actually a comedy/action with a little scifi.

This is the first draft for the first section of the film, where it introduces the main characters and a bit about their background.
If you google MK-Ultra it will show you a little bit about some of the subjects broached in the film.

http://filmind.meetup.com/296/?gj=sj3

Guess doormen are different than bouncers which in the US are unregulated as far as I can tell. In the US they need to be big, generally dumb, and be able to read the basics off of an ID card.

Must be interesting to have the name of a Saturday Night Live Character. I would suggest you use your middle initial to prevent people thinking it's a pseudoname or something.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

n

Don't judge the board from my responses. Many folks invent middle initials when one is lacking. Perhaps the well known name won't be a negative after all, or less so in UK, but I thought it was worth mentioning, that's all. No offence intended.

I stand by my comment on bouncers in the US, specifically the ones in the Southern California area. If you were a bouncer in the US, or more specifically Southern California than surely you are one of the exceptions, no reason to be offended. Instead point out to me how they tend to have masters degrees and discuss poetry when the drunk morons aren't causing problems.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

http://filmind.meetup.com/296/?gj=sj3

If you really are offended by a suggestion that confusion over your name might cause people to take your work less seriously than I don't know what to say because offense was not intended and I think you are misunderstanding what I mean.

Regarding the doorman comments, I was pretty clear I was talking about bouncers in the US, specifically Southern California. Were you a bouncer in the US? In Los Angeles or San Diego? If not than I can't imagine why you would take offense unless you think all bouncers are identical world wide and you are showing your own prejudices there. In the US most bouncers (I'm talking about the guys at the door of a bar who check the IDs and throw people out) tend to be part time workers who are doing other things. Usually that other thing is body building and trying to be discovered.

i will add that a good friend of mine's father owns one of the most successful bars in Pacific Beach and he is very clear that he doesn't want bartenders and bouncers to make decisions. They report to the manager (if the manager isn't invovled already) and the manager makes the decisions and tells them what to do. He feels this prevents lawsuits.

I never mentioned prisoners or exconvicts and don't know any so I have no opinion. I'm not sure where that came from.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

http://filmind.meetup.com/296/?gj=sj3

"Guess doormen are different than bouncers which in the US are unregulated as far as I can tell. In the US they need to be big, generally dumb, and be able to read the basics off of an ID card."

I was refering to the US from the first time I mentioned the doormen and even specified that the UK sounds different. The bulk of bouncers in the US take the job as a part time job. This has a bit to do with the fact that they are usually only needed for a few hours every night rather than 8 hour shifts 40 hours a week and a bit to do with owners not wanting them to make important decisions. In my friends bar they scan every ID that comes in, this double-checks the bouncer at the door to ensure they aren't letting underaged through and allows them to report exactly who started a fight. So the bouncer's job is very limited in their decision making ability. There are some who are smart, but they are going to be assistant managers and not bouncers before long.

I don't think you should shy away from the fact that you were a doorman, or if you served time in prison, or have friends that served time. These things won't hurt your career, in fact they will probably bring credibility to the script and help your career.

Changing names is very common in the move industry. Michael J Fox's real name is Michael A Fox but he thought that sounded egotistical. Others have the same name and whomever got famous second has to change their name in some way to prevent confusion. You could easily sign your script W. Campbell. I'm not talking about changing your name, or changing it on cover letters or anywhere else, I'm talking specifically about the script and synopsis where psuedo-names are often used. If you don't think it's worth the worry so be it, it was just a thought.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

Dont take this the wrong way but i would have thought someone with a name as yours would understand that.

I tend to not take things the wrong way. When in doubt I ask specifically. So in this case I'm curious what you mean. The name rj are first and last initials, we'll ignore that since I think it's unlikely that's what you meant. Schwarz is my last name, its German and means black. Arnold Schwarzenegger (black plowman) and General Norman Schwarzkopf (black head) have the same root. My name is often confused with Schwartz which is the Yiddish word for black (Sherwood Schwartz being the most recognizable example and of course "may the Schwartz be with you").

I'm wondering if you are making that same mistake with that extra t or if I'm missing your point.

Oh, and by the way, in addition to the bit of hun in my name I've got a lot of Macdonald blood from the Grandmother's side. Loved Scotland but I still think they should have let me try the Haggis.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

http://filmind.meetup.com/296/?gj=sj3

In future i will start where i leave off, this is only a rehash, because there were posts in between

SCENE 1

Inside nightclub, wayne and greg were about to start work. They had to sign the book. They signed it Clarence holroyd and Michael Goldstein . The manager started laughing.

They reached the front door and Greg was talking about the trouble another doorman had the night before

A group of lads approached the front door, drunken and aggresive they was determined to enter.

Wayne and Greg stood, shoulder to shoulder, steadfast that they wouldn?t enter.

The lads started Picking up weapons and/or shouting

Before they could be used though Wayne and Greg sprang into action, hitting the two nearest and then both steamrolling the biggest. At the very moment that the punches were thrown though, a police van turned up to stop the trouble.

The manager took the tape out of the incident and put it to one side. If he was to be found out that he was employing doormen on the side he could lose his license.

At first it appeared all would be ok, but then other people passing said they had seen the trouble and that the doormen caused it. The Police arrested Greg and Wayne for assault.

SCENE 2

Greg and Wayne are in a cell each. Everytime the guard comes past they both shout for a coffee. Greg starts singing My way, by Sid Vicious. wayne joins in. Others start joining in too. The guard isnt amused and tells them to be quiet.

Greg is being interviewed. He says no comment all the way.

Wayne is being interviewed under advisement off same solicitor.

When the police ask him his name, he says ?no comment?. The solicitor says he can answer that part.
Wayne says ?I know I was just messing with them?

Wayne and Greg are both Bailed.

As they leave the police station they decide to go to the pub, where a lad that they havent seen for years is showing off his hypnotism skills (mason, or Winston Trugood as he prefers to be called now), having an air of respectability to it.

They get talking about old times and Winston shows some skills off, to comic effect, before taking the respective telephone numbers and saying that they will keep in touch.

Scene 3

Wayne is in the house, smoking one joint after the other, he takes a hit off the TOMATO KETCHUP bottle to take the taste of the ganja away.

He is wearing shorts and a T-shirt wih burn holes in it

Greg phones wayne, and asks him to come down to the gym. Wayne answers, not really wanting to go, just wanting to stay and get stoned, but gregs his mate so he changes (also falling over) and sets off.

Shane is a bit slow witted, quite weedy looking with glasses, as he walks towards the gym he trips over on the kerb, when a car beeps him loudly.

Greg is in the gym, training some students in martial arts, he wants wayne to do some padwork and sparring with one of the students.

Wayne does, but the guy (shane)is pretty useless. He just cant seem to get the adrenaline run and the aggression pumping.

Wayne and Greg are in Waynes house one night, shooting the breeze. Wayne comes up with a really good idea but isnt sure whether greg will go for it. He broaches the idea sheepishly.
Greg cant let his ego get to him though so he agrees to give it a try.

Wayne explains about the MK-Ultra process that the CIA used to use.

This included brainwashing, electric shock treatment and the use of hallucogenic drugs.

http://filmind.meetup.com/296/?gj=sj3