I searched and I think I could post my script here so I am going to post the first 5 scenes I have written.
I am new and I have been using this program to write it in so if it isn't formatted perfectly I am sorry.
SETTING
Record Store: Ben and Liz meet for the first time. They are exact opposites but are drawn to eachother.
TIME FRAME
2005-2006
MAIN CHARACTERS
(Boy) Ben London ? Shy, Laidback, Indie Kid
(Girl) Liz Hurley ? Speaks What's On Her Mind, Witty, Edgy
(Friend Of Boy) Andrew Douglas ? Goofy, Wise towards girls, Spacey and out there
(Friend Of Girl) Jane Stewart ? Optimistic, Indie Kid, Intellectual
OPENING CREDITS
FADE IN
INT. Inside a car driving through the streets as city life passes by. Side profile of the boys face as he drives. Music in the background
SCENE 1 ? INT. RECORD STORE
Record store. Two girls, LIZ and JANE are looking through records, when a boy, BEN, bumps into LIZ. LIZ looks at BEN and gives him a filthy look. BEN apologizes and begins to look through the records again.
Ben- Oh' I'm so sorry I get so lost looking through these records sometimes, I didn't even see you there.
Liz- Uh yeah it's okay. (Dirty Look)
Ben- See you later.
Liz- (Ignores him and goes back to talk to JANE.)
LIZ walks back over to JANE.
Jane- Dude! Why were you so mean to him?
Liz- I wasn't mean. He bumped into me, and he apologized. You know I don't give a shit these days.
Jane- Yeah, but you should. He was pretty cute!
Liz- Shut up. You know I'm trying to work stuff out with that other guy.
Jane- * the other guy! I told you what I thought about him. He is going to go no where in life. Go after him (Pause) watch how your life will turn out with him.
Daydream of LIZ with other guy fighting
Liz- Whatever.
BEN keeps looking over at LIZ while she whispers to JANE. BEN thinks about going back over to LIZ but chickens out.
BEN pays for his records and leaves and goes to meet up with his friend ANDREW.
Store Keeper- The new Death Cab, I just heard the new single the other day on the radio and it totally changed my mind on this band.
Ben- Yeah I heard a couple demos online about a month ago and they sounded amazing.
Store Keeper- (Nods) So did you find everything alright.
Ben- Yeah
Store Keeper- Okay that will be 18.99 for the two cds.
Ben- (Hands money to Store Keeper)
Store Keeper- (Gives Ben his receipt) Have a good day
Ben-You too.
SCENE 2
BEN walks into his house finding ANDREW on his bed playing video games. BEN tells ANDREW about the girl he had ran into and they talk about LIZ.
(ANDREW IS FOCUSED ON HIS GAME WHILE TALKING)
Ben- Man I saw this girl at the record store earlier, she was friggin amazing. Nothing like I had ever been attracted to before.
Andrew- Really dude that's awesome, I told you you would find someone. So did you talk to her?
Ben- (Puts head down) I kind of ran into her.
(PAUSES GAME)
Andrew- * dude that isn't a great way to start things off.
Ben- I know, I really think I messed things up. I wish I could get one shot with her.
Andrew- Dude, give it time, go back to the record store in a couple days, it's a small town she's gatta be around again. You know man.
Ben- Yeah I guess your right, I hope I just accidentally punch her in the face or * things up even worse.
Andrew- Confidence my man, confidence.
LIZ and JANE go back to JANE'S house and talk about the day's activities.
Jane- Really though, what do you think of that guy.
Liz- I don't know him. I think nothing of him. Will you just drop it.
Jane- Ok, so here's a "hypothetical" situation. Say you're at the record store, without me, and he goes over to talk to you. What are you gonna do then? Ignore him?
Liz- No. Well, I don't know.
Jane- Well, you better figure that out because it's a small town so your bound to run into him again.
Liz- I know, it's just look at me. Now look at him. Why would someone like him be interested in someone like me? We are so different it's crazy thinking something like that would ever work out.
Jane-You'd be surprised.
SCENE 3
Week later: LIZ is back at the record store and BEN walks in. He can't believe that they are both alone this time. BEN watches LIZ from a far and finally gets the courage to go and talk to LIZ.
Ben- Hey, I didn't run into you this time. So I guess we could say it's a better start.
Liz- So far so good, right?
Ben- (Laughs) Yeah, so um yeah my name is Ben.
Liz- I'm Liz. (Pause) Sorry I gave you the once-over last week. I was kind of aggravated and you kind of set off the bomb.
Ben- (Looks down in shame) It's okay. It was my fault anyway. So are you flying solo today?
Liz- Yeah, my friend is off with some guy and I got bored waiting around for her, so I decided to get out of the house for awhile. (Starts moving around, shuffling records/cds)
Ben- Same here my friend is off doing who knows what. What cds are you looking at?
Liz- A little bit of everything. Dispatch, at least at the moment.
Ben- Hmm never heard of them. I am more of an indie rock type of guy.
Liz- My friend mentioned this band Death Cab For something
Ben- Cutie, Yeah they are one of my favorite bands.
Liz- Why would someone name a band that.
Ben- (looks confused) Uhh, who knows, but yeah I was wondering if you'd wanna hang out sometime, (Pause) We could maybe watch a movie. The new Harry Potter just came out on DVD. I dunno if you are into that or anything but it would be fun.
Liz- (Laughs, shakes head.) Uh, sure. Harry Potter's not really my cup of tea, but it's cool. So when are you picking me up?
Ben- How does seven sound?
Liz- Seven sounds good. (Hands a piece of paper to Ben with her address)
Ben- Okay so I guess I will see you later on tonight.
Liz- (Smiles) Okay. Later
Ben- Bye (Walks out and bumps into a cd case, Waves)
SCENE 4
BEN goes back to his house and has band practice and tells ANDREW he got the date.
Ben- (Bursts through the door) I got the date man, She's coming over for a movie tonight.
Andrew- Alright hold on, let me guess, she is coming over for the new Harry Potter... Right?
Ben- (Laughs) Shut up man, you know me.
Andrew- Okay are we going to practice or what.
Ben- Alright, on three. One, Two, Three.
Music Starts/Fade to Liz calling Jane
LIZ calls JANE to tell her the news.
(Dial tone, Numbers being pressed)
Jane: Hello?
Liz: Hey. I got news for you.
Jane: Let me guess, you went back into town today?
Liz: That's only part of it. Remember the "mystery guy you were talking about the other day? Well, actually, the one that ran into me?
Jane: * yeah! What about him?
Liz: He's picking me up for a date later.
Jane: Shut up!! (Excitedly) No he's not!
Liz: Yeah, he is. He's coming to pick me up at seven, then we're going to see Harry Potter at his house or something like that. Do you think it's a bit juvenile?
Jane: (Thinking, stalling) Well, no. He just doesn't know what you're into yet. Give him some time, he'll get to know your taste, uh, tastes, then you'll get along better. He probably just said that because of the lack of anything better playing. Have you seen the lineup at the movie theatres lately? All shitty movies.
Liz: Okay, you have a point. I'm trusting your judgement. Should I get all fancied up?
Jane: You're going to be sitting in probably his bedroom if you are lucky. Brush your teeth and you're good to go.
Liz: You know, you always find a way to make a situation extreme, even though it's innocent.
Jane: What if he's one of those guys that kisses on the first date? (hears silence on the other line from LIZ) You'll thank me later. Go gargle then call me to let me know how it goes.
Liz: Okay. Talk to you later (FADE OUT to black screen with dial tone)
SCENE 4.1
Ben is unsure what to wear on his date. He picks out a few shirts and a couple pairs of pants. Finally he settles on a shirt on the ground not ironed and a pair of pants stuffed under the bed.
(Talking to himself)
(BAND TBD, MUSIC ON IN BACKGROUND)
Ben: If I were a girl, what would I want to see on me.
(Takes shirt out of the closet and puts it on)
Ben: (Looks at mirror) This won't work.
(Ben goes back to the closet goes through all his clothes and can't decide. He finds a shirt off the ground and a hoodie and puts that on. He takes a pair of pants that were stuffed under the bed and puts them on. )
Ben: This'll do.
(Pops a pill and grabs the keys and closes the door in a hurry)
SCENE 5
BEN reaches into his pocket and pulls out a the paper with LIZ'S address. Parks the car and goes up to the front door and knocks. Has flowers in his hand.
Liz: Oh.. hey you are a little early.
Ben: (Checks watch) I'm sorry, i'll go wait in the car.
Liz: No.. It's okay let me just go grab my keys and my bag and we can get going.
Ben: These are for you. (Gives Liz the flowers but drops them) Shit, let me get them.
BEN and LIZ bump heads.
Liz: Ouch. It's okay I have them. Just wait out here and I'll go grab my things.
Ben: Okay
Liz: Okay let's get going.
You're not going to like this but I'm going to say it anyway. For a beginning film maker you've got to stay away from serious topics, why? Because no one is going to take you seriously.
Unless you have excellent actors and a huge budget you're going to have a hard time pulling something like this off. What kind of audio equipment do you have? Because that dialogue is going to be a pain in the butt.
--QD Jones
--QD Jones
As per the previous reply, check out my blurb on the
"problems for teen filmmakers" thread.
Script looks good, obvious format errors. For instance, describe characters as they are introduced and simplify the sluglines and describe the scene in action. Also, after you have introduced a character there is no need for all caps:
INT. CAR, DAY
Side profile of a boy's face as he drives through city streets. Music in the background.
CUT TO:
INT. RECORD STORE
Two girls, LIZ, twentysomething, witty, edgy, and JANE, twentysomething, spacy, are looking through records, when a boy, BEN, twentysomething, shy, bumps into Liz. Liz looks at Ben and gives him a filthy look. Ben apologizes and begins to look through the records again...
Overall the story looks okay. Read the dialouge out loud. Sometimes what looks natural on paper sounds awkward when spoken. Good luck.
-Mariposa
_______________________
God uses a Mac.
Canon XL-1
1.67ghz MacBook Pro
www.MariposaProd.com
Well, I am not going to be shooting it. My friend is and she has taken many classes on Filming and has shot a few indie films before. I am just writing the screenplay with her.
Thank you for the crit on how to write the screenplay I will fix that up now.
Sorry I forgot to mention before: The transitions (CUT TO:) are supposed to be right-justified. I accedently put it left-justified above.
Example:
INT. HOUSE, DAY
STEVE, 22, watches TV while LAURA, 20, cooks breakfast.
STEVE
What are you makin'?
LAURA
Eggs, want some?
-Mariposa
_______________________
God uses a Mac.
Canon XL-1
1.67ghz MacBook Pro
www.MariposaProd.com
quote:
Originally posted by Knotty Alder
Because that dialogue is going to be a pain in the butt.
what would be the problems with audio in shooting that script??
Sorry to contradict, but transitions like CUT TO: aren?t needed in a script at all.
When the reader sees:
quote:
INT. CAR, DAYSide profile of a boy's face as he drives through city streets. Music in the background.
And then:
quote:
INT. RECORD STORETwo girls, LIZ, twentysomething, witty, edgy, and JANE, twentysomething, spacy, are...
they will unterstand that there is a ?cut? from the car to the store without you writing it.
You fall into a very typical problem of most new screenplay writers - you over write. For example:
quote:
SCENE 1 ? INT. RECORD STORERecord store. Two girls, LIZ and JANE are looking through records, when a boy, BEN, bumps into LIZ. LIZ looks at BEN and gives him a filthy look. BEN apologizes and begins to look through the records again.
Ben- Oh' I'm so sorry I get so lost looking through these records sometimes, I didn't even see you there.
Liz- Uh yeah it's okay. (Dirty Look)
Ben- See you later.
Liz- (Ignores him and goes back to talk to JANE.)
You first tell us what?s going to happen and then you have it happen. There is no need to write ?Ben apologizes and begins to look through the records again.?. The dialogye where Ben says, ?Oh. I?m so sorry? is just fine.
Format
Left Margin is 1.5 inches (appx.15 spaces)
From Left Margin justified left tabs:
Character name is appx. 25 spaces
Parenthetical is appx. 21 spaces
Dialogue is appx. 15 spaces
Dialogue should not run longer than 3.5 inches.
Use an unjustified 1.0 right margin.
1.0 inch top and bottom
Sluglines or Scene Headers
Written in capitals and containing three pieces of information: (1) Where; (2) Exactly where, and (3) when. (2) and (3) are separated by a space, a dash, followed by another space.
(1) can be INT. (interior) or EXT. (exterior); (2) is a short identification of the place; and (3) can be either DAY or NIGHT.
For example:
INT. DENISE?S PLACE - DAY
You can use more than one subject.
For example:
EXT. DENISE?S PLACE - TERRACE - DAY
or:
EXT. DENISE?S PLACE/TERRACE - DAY
You need a new slugline each time you change the place, and/or change the time.
Action, or Description
The screenplay?s visual elements, where we show what is taking place on the screen. Character descriptions, what they are doing, the places, and everything the audience will need to assimilate visually.
Don?t use parentheticals for action. Don?t use camera angles or moves and don?t imply camera angles or moves with ?We see?. A character is put in capital letters only the first time he or shee appers in the script.
=============================================
The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.
Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)
=============================================
The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.
Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)
You are correct about the transitions. They only really matter whan the writer wants to specify the transition, such as a fade.
Thanks for touching on all the format stuff I did not. Laziness on my part!
-Mariposa
_______________________
God uses a Mac.
Canon XL-1
1.67ghz MacBook Pro
www.MariposaProd.com
OK, apart from what everyone else has said, Show don't tell.
e.g. BEN thinks about going back over to LIZ but chickens out.
You can't tell us what he is thinking, how would you do that on film?
most probably it'll be how he's acting, you realise what he's thinking, he'll start walking over stop, turn around, turn around again, stop, start. Describe this, show us what he is actually doing. You either do that or have a voice over giving us his thoughts, but that's cheesy and probably won't work well.
Some of the dialogue is a bit awkward and doesn't sound real, but i think this is probably always a problem for writers. (especially probably for those starting out, it's probably the hardest thing to get right.) I couldn't tell you how to fix that, but if you do some readings of the script, have the actors (or whoever is reading the part) ad-lib a bit, see what sounds natural.
Also you've divided it into 5 scenes, but this division is somewhat incorrect, scene changes occur whenever location (or time) changes, if you want to break the script down into bigger parts you can use acts, so you might have 5 acts now (although really you'd want them a little bigger, say one act for the introduction, everything up to the date)
but really any sort of division like this is really mostly unimportant.
reading over it again, only scenes 2 and 4 have a problem with this because you change locations within them (from ben to liz)
overall though i can visualise this, i could see this turning out well. HOWEVER, you need something to happen, bigger than just standard everyday date stuff, you need to give a reason for people to see your film, something that makes it special.
That's the biggest advice i can give you.
Dialogue can be tough without the proper equipment. Most "newbies" aren't very good at voice overs and I've noticed that the audio tends to be muffled. You end up hearing more of the background then the actual actors.
--QD Jones
--QD Jones
