Its a good effort for your first short film, my favourite bit was where driver was told to stay in the car, before the bar scene. However i noticed some of the transitions are pretty poor in parts. Also at '11.47' is that just a cut to a still picture? looks pretty shotty. I also didnt like how you edited the bowling scene at the end. Although besides that was enjoyable.

Howdy Stevesie,

The 11:47 isn't supposed to be a still. I'll look into it and see that it is corrected. You're right it looks funny and sticks out.

What do you mean that some of the transistions are poor? Do you mean script/story wise or in relation to the cuts. For some reason the transitions in this quicktime version go a little wacky. I need to look and see if used crossfades and the quicktime couldn't handle it. Is that what you are referring to? If not could you give an example and perhaps you thoughts on a different approach?

Similarly, any thoughts you have on the bowling scene would be appreciated. My goal here is simply to get in and out quickly and show three things: people having fun in general, Jay drinking and James' girlfriend hugging him.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback Stevesie. I appreciate it. I just want to take what I have and make it as good as possible.

Gerald Hibbs

by transitions i was referring to the cuts yes, they seem to go a little crazy on quicktime, probably just since the quality has being reduced? I like in the bowling how someone is about to bowl, then it swaps to another although it swaps at the wrong time. Needs to be more flowing. But besides that good job, the in car scenes are very well done, especially the sound.

Howdy again Stevesie,

So, in regards to the bowling scene you are alright with it except for the part where the four people are switched out as they go to bowl? And the problem there is that it would be better if it flowed better?

If that is the criticism I can certainly see that and I'll see if it can be done. That was done at the very end of the shoot where the bowling alley manager was about to kick us out by force if he had to (pretty much all my locations were like that! Wow, such a rush, rush, rush and my shot list always winds up in the trash) so I only have the one shot of each of us doing that.

Anyway, thanks again for your time and thought. Every bit of criticism that can help me reduce the flaws is appreciated.

Gerald Hibbs

Hi Gerald,

I'm very new to the world of film, and shorts particularly, so I'm not sure how valuable my opinion is, yet I was pleasantly surprised by your short. When you mentioned The Office and Curb Your Enthusiasm, I thought at first it wouldn't translate and would come across as a cheesy copycat, but your short did a great job of working within that comedy mindset without purely imitating.

Of course, the sound in the bar scene does hurt it, and obviously you're fully aware of that and probably extremely regretful that you didn't do things at the time differently. But I think if you're going to lack slightly in one department, technicly is better than creatively in the long run. You can improve upon the technical side next time -- atleast you've got the creative side already.

I'm an aspiring writer myself, and comedy is the genre I'm best at and most confortable in. I was wondering if you need or are searching for a writer to work with on your next short (or even feature), as I'm hoping to find a director that wants to do comedy and has the skill that you clearly do. E-mail to let me know if you are.

Perry Walker
PWalker_14?hotmail.com