I know this is a mess. The camera work is inconsistent to say the least, the delivery is too slow, which in turn made the video too long. Tear it apart and give criticism, but please keep it constructive. ?url? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMP9vdDojsk?/url?
You are right about the inconsistency. Some acting is over the top, others are serious. It seems you're going for an Office Type documentary look with the zoom-in but then have swipes and other editing choices. Pick a style and be consistent.
The exterior sound is terrible. Replace with ADR entirely.
But I'm a story guy so my real comments have to do with the story. The water cooler stuff is funny but not 9 minutes funny. The yarn factory opening and closing is lame and should be dumped. Pretty much all of the exteriors should be dumped except the establishing shot. Your story is the meeting room. Cut everything except the meeting room.
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Okay, so you've got a meeting.
BOSS: We're losing money as a company. We need to button down and cut the waste. Any ideas?
GUY IN GREEN: Well someone is wasting water. I refilled the watercooler yesterday and its empty already.
Then you go into the water cooler discussion. Some nice power-point slides would be nice to really show that the waste is these guys getting distracted over minutia. Then.
BOSS: Well, it's been an hour, This water thing is bad but I've got to call headquarters so we'll wrap up. We'll discuss the waste and water cooler issues next time. Any other round-table topics before we adjorn?
GUY IN GREEN: Did you know about the coffee?
BOSS: (freaked) No? What about the coffee?
GUY IN GREEN: I wanted to get a cup of coffee this morning and somebody didn't refill it. No coffee!
At this point everyone looks incredulous. The break pencils. Look suicidal.
BOSS: I can't take it anymore.
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Anyway, something like that. End with a twist on the same joke instead of something unrelated or new as you did. Should hammer the joke in better.
RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA
RJSchwarz
The over the top acting is something we had a problem with one particular person. He was angry that his roll was so small so we gave him a little liberty to ad-lib a little. He started and wouldn't stop. He screwed up every take we did so everyone started to get frustrated and their performance took a crap as well. Unfortunately the people that knew how to carry work the camera were on film most of the time and inexperience was behind it. I have never been so frustrated in my life. I really appreciate your input. All entertainers have to fail, and this was a huge gut check. We are working on some new material and are looking into investing in a professional camera in the near future. We will post what have for more input. Thanks again.
You had enough characters it seems you could have dropped the uncooperative one. Assuming it wasn't a family member or friend that would have created additional problems.
Anyway it was funny. My nits are mostly because it could have been funnier if shorter and more concentrated on the idea of the joke, and of course a punchline to end it.
RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA
RJSchwarz
It was a friend that either we get a handle on or get rid of in the future. I know we can be successful at this, we just need the correct direction and people that have the same goals. We truly appreciate you taking the time to critique what we have done and give good pointers that have no doubt helped and inspired us to work harder. Thank you and you will hear from us soon.
