OK. Im starting production on my short but now i have to go back and rewirte apart of my screenPlay. The Short is about alittle kid age 6-8 thats ghost comes back to visit his father. He wants to keep his father reminded of why he died. (His father should have been watching him when he was playing but he fell down the steps. The Father rather wash his car then watch his son.)
He is my Problem. The kid i was useing is not so little. And now im to far in to it to recast. So i need to rewrite the part to be an olded kid. Take a look at the sences that need to be changed. I need to make the action of child older then he is in the screen play with out messing up the story.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EXT- Backyard (day)
The young mans son Joey runs around the backyard laughing. His father chases his around the backyard. Joey runs to his mother were she picks him up and swings him around
---------------------------------------------------------------------
INT- Hallway (Color) (Day)
Joey is playing with his toy cars at the top of the stairs while his father is on the phone with his wife.
Young man- Yeah I know.
He?s fine he?s playing with his cars.
I will.
That car is a mess I needs a real good cleaning.
Well I am with him.
He?s not going to run off I will be in eye sight of him the whole time.
Ok. I love you don?t work to hard.
The young man looks at Joey.
Young man- It?s just me and you now sport moms working late.
8. 8.
INT-Hallway (Black and White) (Night)
Young man is kneeling against the wall crying. He?s Son walks over. (Shot of his feet walking up. But you don?t see his face) The Young man looks up at his son. (White out to his vision)
. Vision .
9. 9.
INT- Stairway (Color) (Day)
Joey is playing at the top of the steps with his toy cars when one of them falls down a few steps. Joey looks at the side door for his father
Joey- Daddy. Daddy my car fell down.
The Young man is outside in the driveway washing his car and can?t hear his son calling for him. Joey reaches down the steps. He leans to far forward and falls down the steps killing him.
10. 10.
INT- Hallway (Black and White Switch to Color) (Night)
A shot of the young man looking up at his son. (Black and White) All you can see is Joey?s feet. As Joey sits down he leans up against the wall matching his father is fades in to (Color). Joey and his father both look at each other
Son- You should have been watching me.
The young man nods his had while crying. (A put back shot of the father and son leaning against the wall matching each other (Fade)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Well. There are several things wrong with this. First off, the english is not too good, but we won't worry about that.
Secondly, it would be really hard to morph this story around a teenager, since teenagers are usually more independent and their parents do not need to be watching them.
You may either have to completely revamp the story or bite the bullet and re-cast and start filming all over. In my opinion, recasting looks like your best shot.
I really like the story. However, there is one issue that sticks out like a sore thumb. The intertwining events. Those are great for features such as "Memento," but they are usually not that good of a fit for a short film.
But, I do acknowledge your approach. It's a good idea, just not the right movie.
Here is one approach you can use (assuming you re-cast). During the opening credits, show what you have so far. After them, for example, you could cut to a funeral taking place with a pastor speaking and the two parents looking down at the casket (if you cannot afford a casket as a prop, just use your camera angle from the casket's standpoint looking back up at them).
So the credits and the boy dying can be your beginning, the parent's coping with the child's death can be the middle, and the visit from the boy's ghost could be the end.
I hope I might have helped you. Good luck with your film, I really like the concept.
it could be a subject of a very good short film if:
?1? playing with 'reality' and 'visions' are juxtapositioned to fetch more drama in the film.
?2? more dramatic scenes are written with more logics
?3? the child should be as young as possible to bring the emotions more into the film.It can revolve around a teenager but as the above poster said you have to rewrite the entire screenplay.
?4? more scenes are needed to establish the characters, i mean for characterisations
i dont know the enire screenplay so can not give more inputs
hope it helps
indi
Don't know if this will work but:
Maybe you could find someone to play the kid, but when he returns as a ghost he is actally a teenager because he died about 10 years ago. The ghost is what the boy would look like if he was still alive.
thats cool i like that alot
