Howdy Alex,

First off, let me say there are quite a few things I like about this short film. I think you have a lot of promise. I say all this to take the sting out of my criticisms. I have lots of them and they are all simply my opinion. Take them as you want them.

Things I liked: I liked the basic story idea, I wish I had your composer to score my stuff and I liked the composition of lots of the shots. Really, the camera work and eye for lots of the shots was very good. That's where I see the promise.

Now for the bitter pill: criticisms!

Go to www.creativecow.net/ and find the forum for your video editor. You've got a setting that can be changed to reduce artifacting (stair step jaggies.) I've had that happen myself and it can be cleared up.

You know how in the film books on screen writing they say to get to the conflict quickly and just get the story started? I think the problem here is that you basically took the story concept and shot it as is. There wasn't much time spent on characters or their development.

Regarding the section with protagonist in the car and approaching the targets. . .

Now, I understand what you were going for. Building suspense and controlling the pacing. It was skillfully done. What you did was done well. I just argue that it went on for too long. Bottom line, you can only hold suspense when nothing is happening for so long. I would like to see that tightened up.

Perhaps in a longer movie where you have more invested in the characters that pacing would work, but when it is the bulk of the movie. . .

Skipping back a bit. I see from the credits that you played the father. Since I'm guessing you are college aged that clearly doesn't go with closeups. But I felt that that detracted from the movie.

Now this is certainly a judgement call. You can say, well I didn't have access to appropriate actors and yet I still wanted to do something more ambitious than some Jackass stuff that I see others doing.

I can appreciate that, I do. But you have the movie beginning and ending with a character that logistics require we can't see! If we can't see the pain in his eyes then the payoff is significantly lessened.

So, here is my advice: look harder for an appropriate actor next time. Heck, ask your professors. Ask the security guys on campus. Auditon the old homeless guy you see every day. Ask YOUR dad or the dads of your friends. Only after getting "hell no!" from 30 people ask some more.

I don't know if it was a poor encode, but when you were on camera you kept jumping around. I don't think that worked.

It looked like you went to stills after the "deed." I don't think that worked.

Now, as to the story. . .after the half completed deed the left over guy is casually walking around and saying nothing much is going on on his cell phone and there aren't any cops? No one from the other dorm rooms heard the shot?

I didn't understand this. Maybe there is some back story that could explain it. But my rule is try to plug all the logical holes you can before hand.

I think it would have been more effective simply to drop dad and go straight into the chase. If you are gonna have a time difference, and I understand why you do, then have it be a different day. Have the kid go after the left over guy in a different time/place.

If you could have another appropriate actor for the father I think it would be a great scene to have the son explaining his failure.

Finally, on the chase scene. I think you could have benefited from a lot more editing of these shots with a more varied shot list.

You did very well with the concept of building suspense (especially in the beginning in the car) but building excitement during the chase was lacking. I would recommend watching a lot of foot chase scenes very closely and taking notes on some shots. Even Spielberg watches movies for inspiration. I'm not saying copy someone else completely but film is a language and you didn't study the chase dialect. Watch three good foot chase scenes 10 times each with a notepad and pen and your next chase scene will be 10 times better.

Similarly, the end confrontation could have benefited from being drawn out and augmented by a more varied shot list. Listen, movies are about characters. . .people. You can't have that ending like that. Watch Saving Private Ryan where the guy fights the German over the bayonet while wussy guy is at the bottom of the stairs. Now, what could you have done with your scene?

Finally, the last dutch tilt shot was overdone. It's a useful tool but I felt it was too extreme, unvaried and pulled out of the story. Again, you were in a bad position because you couldn't show yourself close up.

So, no doubt this has felt like pretty brutal post. However, I will return to the good points a final time. I like that you were ambitious in the script concept. I like your eye and composition of many of the shots. The only reason I spent this much time in criticizing you is because you are good. I can see some craft in what you are doing.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to take the passion and talent and passion you clearly have and have more confidence in it. The worst that people can say is no. Get actors that fit the parts in your movies. Clearly your ambition requires doing more interesting stuff than Jackass. Take it to the next level man! Spend more time on your script and try developing these great characters. When you are doing a chase scene get some students to be extras so they can react to you running past them or even (carefully) be knocked over.

Clearly you've studied film enough to effectively compose your shots, now spend some time watching movies to get ideas for your kinetic scenes.

But, you are on the right path, man.

Now, if you are really upset you can return the favor and rip me a new one by reviewing my latest short. The sound in the bar scene alone is worth a chewing out.

http://www.chineseadventure.com/video/uglyamerican.wmv

You can reply on the board under:
Seeking Feedback on Short Film (now w/WMV)
http://www.filmmaking.net/fnetforum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=4084

As a sidenote, I really like the story concept. I'm going to do a short movie or three this summer. Would you give me permission to take the story and do it myself? I'll give you an "original story by" credit if I do it. I think developing the relationship between the father and his son would be really interesting. I would have to put a lot of thougth into whether I could get together the resources to do it the way I want to (for example the Mob boss should have an amazing house and I don't know if I can get one here in China.)

Gerald Hibbs
hibbs02?hotmail.com

Firstly well done, my favourite thing in that movie was easily the score. My only problems were the two scenes where people got shot. The first one did look like a still, maybe a pan out could have worked better? And the second one the guy just got shot in the head and then you do a closeup and there is no blood?
I also agree with Hibbs that the story needs more character development, and a better ending.