Were you trying to go for a "silent movie" feel with the title cards? Even if that's the case I think there was too much exposition delivered through the title cards. In the silent era they tried to be efficient with title cards, and when sound came along title cards were largely abandoned as a major narrative device. You may want to challenge yourself to convey more of the story through images, editing and sound for your next project, because that's what makes cinema unique as a storytelling medium. I did like the music selection, and the story about a man living in delusion (if I understood it correctly) has potential.

http://www.youtube.com/nairnet

What is the story actually? I watched it and wondered what was the point? It seemed like a film class project in which you had stock footage and were forced to create some kind of narrative with it. It works on that level but as a stand alone film? I must be missing something. The visuals are interesting initially but they aren't enough to carry even the short film and using text rather than a voiceover takes away any shreds of character remaining.

Some of the text was nice, reminded me of Royal Tanenbaums in it's offbeat humor.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

I've included a summary of the story that the clip is based on below; it was something I wrote a while ago. In hindsight and as confirmed by your comments, trying to cram the entire story in the allowed 5 minutes was a mistake. The viewer is unfairly expected to figure out and appreciate the details of the back-story, the references to which* are mostly and most probably too subtle and in some cases non-existent.

What would you suggest that one do when it comes to revealing things in a movie? There seems to be a fine line between revealing too much (and, I don't know, possibly offending the viewer?) and revealing just enough and accepting that some might not get it.

To answer your other questions, the filming was unfortunately limited by my enthusiastic confidence that I could create something in the four days I had till the deadline, lack of general film-making knowhow, lack of equipment (a Sony camcorder, a tripod, bed lights for lighting, whiteboards as reflectors) and unavailability of someone willing to act. So no faces were shown, no one spoke and the presentation was kept as simple as possible. Also keep in mind that the entries were judged on iPods.

Any other follow-up comments after reading the above reply and the story below would be greatly appreciated, as are the ones you've already made. Thanks in advance.

* : Those would be the cuts to the clock, mask, chained door, etc.

quote:

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Born and raised in Kyiv, Adam Reyl** starts doing business from a young age. He's a natural entrepreneur. In a few short years, he quickly moves up the ladder by making deals with big clients and keeping his existing ones happy. His business empire brings in billions of dollars every year. He has it all, and so do all of his shareholders.

But it turns out his name isn't Adam Reyl, nor does he live in Kyiv, nor is he a billionaire. He was born in Japan with a terrible skin deformity that prevents him from going out during the daytime. He lives in an orphanage. A few weeks ago, he was taken by his caretakers to Hong Kong to see a doctor who thought he might be able to help, but to no avail.

To compensate for not being able to achieve his ambitions and dreams, he has created a universe within his mind, consequently convincing the latter that it is in fact reality. He lies to himself and to the reader/viewer, but his surroundings give him away. He writes letters to himself pretending that they're to potential clients to keep his pretend universe alive.

** I messed up the last name in the clip; should have been Reyl so when you reverse it it spells Lyer, which in any case is misspelled so so much for that.

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My first change would be to take all of the text and change it to narration. THe addition of a voice, with tone and emotions and pauses would add character that is missing with simple text.

Second I would add other visuals beyond the hands. The hands are interesting but the story is not the hands. If the story is the backstory you are gonna need photos and other elements. Even having the hands grab tissue or clench might help add 'something' to the film.

Everything you show should have a point, this is particularly true in a short film where you have no time to get your point across. Hope this helps.

RJSchwarz
San Diego, CA

The story is pretty good, you could make a nice short with it. I'd agree that voice over would be better. Then your aim would be to have the images conflict with the voice over. The voice over is lying, the images tell the true story. This would be an opportunity to flesh out Adam's world, tell the story of who Adam really is through images. Actually I realize now that's probably what you were trying to do with this version, but the images didn't resonate enough and the text wound up overpowering the images.

http://www.youtube.com/nairnet

I will agree, the short didn't really get the entire idea of the story across. It's very vague, and I can see that you intended to make people think in order to figure out what was going on, but this would be better as a longer film. However, you do seem to have a good eye for lighting. In fact, most people, especially on their first short, don't pay attention to lighting at all. So anyway, technically, it was well made. I think you should expand on the idea and make a longer film out of it.

'In the life that man creates for himself, he too, creates his demise... and his legacy.'