quote:

---

Originally posted by Hall_?ss1088

Tell me what you think...it's obviously a complicated story about 3 different characters, but I will illustrate every aspect of them as well as I possibly can. I may not have lived long, but I know others who have...others with regrets...others that have recycled their feelings on me since I was too youn gto remember. I feel wiser than a lot of people, because I know these feelings in advance...as if I've experienced them.

I'm open to ANY suggestions, now that you know what it is about. It's not really about being 17...ive just injected some of my own experiences and experiences of ppl I know and love into it.

We must all surpass eachother.

Draw me after you, let us run.

---

On a personal note I think it?s good, because it combines a dramatic scenario were your characters' mother feels his son his leading to unpredictable career and as aspiring scenarist like yourself the character?s story is almost similar to yours , so the input is you in actual fact. Right?. All ready you have told us in a few details how the scenery isn?t that scenic in scenic, I mean not that impressive to him, that?s the 17 year old character , I?m on about. The next two characters seem like their personalities from one another are very much different. The male to me is portrayed as a schizoid because he wants a son but doesn?t have the instability to support the offspring he wants. The female seems is portrayed to me as some one who?s very sentimental, right?. The scatter cushion of your story is good that includes the moral structure but in simple words I believe you could make more favourable by that I mean make it more appealing in chrematistic style of writing. But the bottom line is the story is good but it could improve.

Yup I am the next best pulp movie director, believe it or not but I would personally like you to believe it. Yup that's all I have to write, yeah folks that's all.

It's really nothing like CRASH...there have been many, many films dealing just with multiple, interlinked characters. It's much different than CRASH. And TFB...Like im not trying to sound negative, but MARK is hardly a schizoid...just unhappy...they are all derived from different levels of myself...and I honestly didn't understand most of what you were saying in your last post...like not to be mean or ungrateful...I just didn't understand it because it was sort incoherrant... Could you like just like rewrite it so I know where you're coming from, please?

We must all surpass eachother.

Draw me after you, let us run.

In the beginning you have a bunch of voice overs that just dont seem needed. Why voice over characters if they aren't narrating? it just seems odd and it might confuse the audience.
Then in the beginning they turn to an oil painting? im not understanding why? is that a symbol for something that im not understanding. Just dont add nice effects like that just cause you want the movie to look artistic or cool. Only do things like that if there is a purpose for it. "He puts his hand back on his lap. MARK is a sad man."
just from a purely technical stand point. This is a rookie writing mistake. Your script should show that he is a sad man, if it doesnt then you need to change something. But your script does tell us he is a sad man so there is no need to add this. Maybe say "he looks at the box with tears in his eyes" Dont write things like Mark is a sad man or john doe is angry at his wife, matt is really happy. Let your dialogue do the characterization and show there emotion. YOu can describe how they look or what they are doing, you could say "he chops the vegetables hard in his anger" (these are just example obviously, they dont go along with yoru script) but dont say "he chops the vegetable hard. He is angry. He is becoming more angry"

the beginning defintaly feels like your watching a whiney 17 year old. im not sure if thats what you were going for but it made me want to say, ohhhh get over it. I think you were trying to say how these two kids are adult-like and are a step above people there age. But they just seem like normal teenagers who have the same problems all teenagers do, "my parents dont understand me". Michelle seems a little more adult like, but thats not because of her dialogue its simply because of the situation she is put in. I feel like somebody in that situation would act a little different. I feel like the only argument you have for making her seem older and wiser is "well she takes care of her family" but besides that she just seems normal. i felt almost forced to treat her and look at her in a more adult life. I feel like it is her surroundings that define her, not her dialogue or how she acts. i dont feel like i explained that very well but its the best i can do online. When you had a scene with adults it was fine, nothing out of this world good but better then when it was just teh two kids. Whenever there is a scene with the two kids i just felt like i did when we were arguing a while ago. It just seems like these two feel like they are older and wiser but the y really aren't. Like i said above they just seem to have the same problem everybody does at that age, "i know more then you and you arent goin to tell me anyway. nobody understands me except my girlfriend" My point is this, you didnt create any new characters that we havent seen before in another movie or in everyday life. I feel like if somebody watches this they are just gonna roll their eyes and get bored everytime the two teens are on screen. there is no new drive, no new characters. its just typical teenagers in typical teenage situations. But if they change as the movie goes on then that would help the movie. maybe try to focus on teh adults more then the kids, they seem to be better characters.

"I believe the cinema is one of our principal forms of art. It is an incredibly powerful way to tell uplifitng stories that can move people to cry with joy and inspire them to reach for the stars."-Wes Craven

They aren't voice-overs...like in narration...it's speech overlapping the images. It's transitions in conversation...it shows they don't really know what they want because their ideas are everchanging...they're still finding out what they really want.

We must all surpass eachother.

Draw me after you, let us run.

I read the synopsis you posted, and it sounds like it has the potential to be a really good film. Some talented actors will be required to make it work, but I love the way it all intertines.

Although you sort of lost me with this final paragraph:
"There will be a point where all of these characters hit ROCK BOTTOM....and it will be intense and sad for awhile, but they will, in the end, pull themselves out of it and their lives will be put in the direction they should have been in long ago. "
Hopefully there will be something that actually leads to them 'pull(ing) themselves out of it' and not just "Well, better finish it now."
I'm sure your film will have a good conclusion though, and you just didn't describe it in as much detail as the film will have.
Anyway, overall it sounds good, so good luck with it.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hall_?ss1088

It's really nothing like CRASH...there have been many, many films dealing just with multiple, interlinked characters. It's much different than CRASH. And TFB...Like im not trying to sound negative, but MARK is hardly a schizoid...just unhappy...they are all derived from different levels of myself...and I honestly didn't understand most of what you were saying in your last post...like not to be mean or ungrateful...I just didn't understand it because it was sort incoherrant... Could you like just like rewrite it so I know where you're coming from, please?

We must all surpass eachother.

Draw me after you, let us run.

---

You mean incoherent not incoherrant. In plan words it's good, i suppose it could improve, i think?

"Where there is no antagonist, you cannot quarrel." - T.B.F

Ya. It was a typo. You mant a TON of things that....were so incoherent that they weren't useful to anyone. At all. What you wrote made no sense. I wasn't trying to be mena, but you wrote a bunch of stuff that had absolutely no meaning. It made no sense. Like at all. For tohse of you who are reading my post right now and think I sound mean, read what he wrote. I simply asked him to rephrase it cus it made no sense and soudned like he was just making up sentences off a MAD LIB.

We must all surpass eachother.

Draw me after you, let us run.

See....more typos...but hopefully it was understandable.

We must all surpass eachother.

Draw me after you, let us run.

And actually robi...they're not adult like...they just percieve themselves to be. He said some really cruel things to his mother. Don't pick it apart with the mindset that I'm "just a 17 year old" liek you're obviously trying to do, cus it doesnt seem like you've even read into the words....uit sounds like you just skimmed through ti. John is running away form adolescence...the multiple voice overs show that they all want so many different things, but nothing actually definite. They're still kids, but they want to be adults. The same applies for college kids, robi, so dont characterize someone as a "whiny 17 year old."

We must all surpass eachother.

Draw me after you, let us run.

Let me start this post off with: I am not trying to pick an internet fight with you. This is my thoughts and opinions based on your synopsis.

I haven't read your script so I dont know exactly what it's about, but based on that synopsis above, it doesn't sound like there is that much that every average family household does not go through (i.e. fighting with parents, moving away with girlfriend/boyfriend, aspiring to make more of yourself, a car crash...). Granted, the father dying of cancer and the girl dying in the car accident isnt exactly an everyday experience. There is some potential, but I think there needs to be a little more substance. Now, again, I haven't read your script so the dialogue may be rich and enthralling but based on the plot lines you layed out, its going to take some spectacular actors and actresses to keep it riveting.

I would very much like to read the actual script. If you want you can send it to

setmywings?yahoo.com

Have a good day!

p.s. both you AND T.B.F. have awful spelling and grammar. So stop bickering about it! haha.

I don't have anything to say about your script. More how you deal with people. Remember this: A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

--QD Jones